Call me embittered, but I lost a mother and two brothers to the Cola Wars, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to lose my pop!
Tone: Sarcastic
Sarcastic jokes, dry insults, eye-roll energy, and punchlines that need a workplace warning from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Check Fraud Gets Creative With Rental Excuse
A man went to a woman in a bar and offered her 500 dollars for sex. He said that he did not have the money on him but he would mail her a check the next day. She agreed. The next day, the man changed his mind and had his secretary mail a check for 250 dollars with the following note:
Dear Madam, Here is money I owe for the apartment you showed me. You will note that it is less than the agreed upon amount because when I rented the apartment I was under the following assumptions…
that it was heated, that it had never been rented before and that it was much smaller than it was.The woman promptly replied with, “Sir, here is your check back. As for the apartment, it is heated, you simply did not know how to turn it on. Secondly, how could you ever think that such a beautiful apartment would sit vacant? And as for the size, it was just right and not my fault that you did not have the furniture to fill it!”
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Wife’s Witty One-Liner Demolishes Husband’s Request
A husband cuddled up to his wife and softly whispered into her ear: “Could we make love, please dear?”
“Not tonight, darling, I’ve got a splitting headache,” she replied.
“Please, I’ll only stick it in for a minute,” pleaded her husband.
His wife retorted: “What do you think I am, a fuckin’ microwave?”
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Huh? Magazine
I’ve been thinking of starting a magazine called “Huh?” for people suffering permanent memory loss. To save money, I could just publish the same issue every month.
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Demented Exhibitionist Guy
I bet one of the hardest parts of being a superhero is remembering which phone booth you left your clothes in. And by “superhero,” what I mean is “demented-exhibitionist-guy.”
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Why Flirt When Theres Life Alert
why flirt?
when there’s life alert?
you gotta stop doing this Edna
hey there big bay
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Reasons Why Motorcycles Are Better Than Women
Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles.
Motorcycles’ curves never sag.
Motorcycles last longer.
Motorcycles don’t get pregnant.
You can ride a motorcycle any time of the month.
Motorcycles don’t have parents.
Motorcycles don’t whine unless something is really wrong.
You can kick your motorcycle to wake it up.
You can share your motorcycle with your friends.
If your motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
You only need to get a new chain or belt for your motorcycle when the old one is really worn.
If your motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
Motorcycles don’t care about how many other motorcycles you have ridden.
When riding, you and your motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
Motorcycles don’t care about how many other motorcycles you have.
Motorcycles don’t mind if you look at other motorcycles, or if you buy motorcycle magazines.
New motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don’t want to pay for them, you don’t get them.
If your motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.
If your motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
If your motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.
If your motorcycle is misaligned, you don’t have to discuss politics to correct it.
You can have a beer while riding your motorcycle.
You can have a black motorcycle and show it to your parents.
You don’t have to be jealous of the guy who works on your motorcycle.
You don’t have to deal with priests or blood tests to register your motorcycle.
You don’t have to convince your motorcycle that you’re a motorcyclist and that you think motorcycles are equals.
If you say bad things to your motorcycle, you don’t have to apologize before you can ride it again.
You can ride a motorcycle as long as you want and it won’t get sore.
Your parents don’t remain in touch with your old motorcycle after you dump it.
Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.
Motorcycles don’t insult you if you’re a bad rider.
Your motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other motorcycles.
Motorcycles don’t care if you’re late.
You don’t have to take a shower before riding your motorcycle.
It’s always OK to use tie-downs on your motorcycle.
If your motorcycle doesn’t look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
You can’t get diseases from a motorcycle you don’t know very well.
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Top 10 Signs You Just Bought a Lemon of a Car
10. Your tinted windows are also known as Hefty garbage bags.
9. The car reaches its optimum speed when going downhill.
8. The hi-tech stereo system often requires a new needle.
7. The rear-view mirror says, “Objects in Mirror Are Better Than This Piece of Junk.”
6. The odometer on the dashboard is not as sophisticated as the everyday abacus.
5. Traffic Watch warns other drivers what highway you’re taking.
4. The sticker on the windshield says, “Batteries Not Included.”
3. You fill up the tank with Unleaded Coals.
2. You can only go to restaurants that offer Valet Pushing.
1. When you approach hitchhikers, they put their thumbs down.
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Wife’s Anatomy: Not What I Expected
My wife says it’s okay to have a little penis. I still wish she didn’t have one, though.
