Remember: People who live in glass houses can see you masturbating in their bushes.
Tone: shocking
Shocking humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Mother’s Unexpected Backyard Activities
Salesman to boy answering the door… “Hi, is your mother in?”
“Yes,” said the boy, “she’s out in the back yard screwing the goat.”
“I don’t believe it,” said the salesman.
The boy says: “Come and see for yourself.”
So the salesman looked in the back yard, and sure enough, there was the goat screwing the mother.
The salesman said to the boy, “Isn’t she afraid she’ll get pregnant?”
The boy says… “N-a-a-a-a-a-a-“
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Dead Cat’s Legs Point Toward Heaven Joke
Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her pet cat lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could. “I’m afraid Tiddles is dead Lucy”.
“So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that Daddy?” asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say the father replied, “Tiddles’ legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven”.
Little Lucy seemed to take her cats death quite well. However two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: “Mummy almost died this morning”.
Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, “How do you mean Lucy?”
“Well”, mumbled Lucy, “soon after you left for work this morning I saw mummy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting “Oh Jesus!!! I’m coming, I’m coming!!!” and if it hadn’t been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy”.
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Little Red Riding Hood’s Unexpected Defense
Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to go and visit her grandmother in the forest and her mother said: ‘You’d better not go out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because the big bad wolf’s out and you know what he’ll do; He’ll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and screw your little red socks off.’
But Little Red Riding Hood pulled out a shotgun and said: ‘Don’t worry Mum, I’ve got it covered.’
So she was walking through the forest when she came across the three little pigs. One of them ran out of the brick house and said, ‘You shouldn’t be out tonight Little Red Riding Hood! The big bad wolf’s out and you know what he’ll do if he catches you. He’ll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and screw your little red socks off.’
So she pulled out the shotgun and said: ‘Don’t worry boys. Got it covered!’
As she continued through the forest she came across the big bad wolf and he said: ‘You shouldn’t have come out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because you know what I’m going to do. I’m going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and screw your little red socks off.’
So she lifted up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, lay down on her back with her legs apart, pointed the shotgun at him and said, ‘No. You’re going to eat me like the book says.’
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Native American Escort Outprices Historical Real Estate Deal
A guy visiting Arizona wants to get some.
He finds a pretty escort of Native American origin.
**Girl**: My fee is three hundred dollars.
**Guy**: Whaaaat? Your forefathers only wanted twenty-four bucks for the whole of Manhattan Island!
**Girl**: True enough… but Manhattan Island just lies there.
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Reaching In Backpack
when the white kid in class getting roasted and starts reaching in his backpack
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John’s Terrible Choice at the Farmer’s Market
A truck driver named John was in court after a horrific accident where he drove his truck through a crowded farmer’s market, claiming fifty lives.
The courtroom was silent as the prosecutor approached the stand, looking John dead in the eye.
The prosecutor said, “John, we have the tire tracks. We have the witness testimony. You were driving down a straight road. To your left, there was a lone man fixing a flat tire. To your right, there was a crowded market with fifty people. You steered directly into the crowd. How do you explain yourself?”
Wiping his brow and looking distressed, John replied, “It was a nightmare, sir. I was coming down the hill when my brakes completely gave out. I was flying! I had a split second to make a choice.”
The prosecutor asked, “And you chose to hit fifty people instead of one man?”
John exclaimed, “No! Of course not! I’m not a monster. I aimed for that one guy!”
The prosecutor, now even more confused, shouted, “Then how did you end up plowing through the entire market and killing fifty people?”
John sighed heavily and answered, “Well, just as I was about to hit him… the jerk started running toward the crowd!”
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Johnny’s Surgery Gets Out of Hand
“Doctors and Nurses”
A woman brings ten-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her ten-year-old daughter.
Johnny’s mother says, “Let’s not be too harsh on them… they are bound to be curious about sex at that age.”
“Never mind sex” replies Mary’s mother. “He’s taken her fucking appendix out!”
