Tone: shocking

Shocking humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Clitoris Licking Frog Available

    A lady was walking down the street when a small sign in the window of a shop caught her eye. She stopped, turned back and read the sign which said “Clitoris licking frog available.” Checking to see that no one on the street was observing her, she hurriedly entered the shop, closing the door quickly behind her.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    Inside there was a counter but no sign of activity or human presence. On the counter there was a bell with a sign on top saying: “Please ring for service”

    The lady gave the bell a push. It rang but nothing happened. She hit the bell again and after a few minutes she heard a shuffling, slurping sort of sound and eventually a man emerged from a door behind the counter. “Bonjour madame”

  • Horses Making Love: Farm Education Lesson

    There was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy. One day, she went to his parents’ house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture. While they were walking they came upon the 2 horses that were mating. She looks at them with wonder because she’s never seen anything like this before so she asks the boy, “What are they doing?”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    He says “They’re making love.”

    “Well, what’s that long thing he’s sticking in there?” she asks.

    “Oh, uh, that’s his rope” he answered.

    “Well, what are those two round things on the other end?” she asks.

    He says “Those are his knots.”

    She says, “Oh, OK I got it.”

    As they continue their stroll, they come to a barn and go in. She looks at him and says, “I want you to make love to me the way those animals were.”

    Surprised and excited, the boy agrees. While they’re getting at all hot and heavy, she grabs his balls and squeezes.

    “Whoa, what are you doing?” he shouts.

    The girl innocently replies, “I’m untying the knots so I’ll get more rope.”

  • Flavored Condom Taste Test Gone Wrong

    I recently tried some of these new ‘flavoured’ condoms. I bought one of each flavour they had, and tried each one in turn every time I got a shag.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    My girlfriend likes to lick each one before I insert it in her, just to see what flavour I was wearing.

    The first night she said “Mmmmm, Cherry flavour”,
    The second night she said “Mmmmm, Mint flavour”,
    The third night she said “Mmmmm, Strawberry flavour”,
    and so on, until we had reached the final flavour,
    and she said “Mmmmm, Cheese flavour”

    “Cheese flavour ??” I said “I haven’t put one on yet!”

  • The Curious Barber and the Lawn Boy

    A middle aged guy, tired of mowing the lawn, finally breaks down and hires a neighbourhood kid to do the job for him.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving, when Bubba, a kid from around the neighbourhood, comes in after having mowed the lawn for him, and proceeds to pee in the toilet.

    Bubba was rather well endowed and curiosity got the best of the husband and he just had to look. Sure enough, Bubba had the largest penis he had ever seen!!!

    The man asked Bubba, “I don’t mean to be too personal, but how did your dick get that big? I couldn’t help but notice…”

    Bubba laughed and said, “It’s simple, every night before I go to bed, I bang it on the bedpost three times.”

    The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique and could hardly wait to try it himself. Before he climbed into bed that night, he whipped it out and banged it on the bedpost three times.

    He was just climbing into bed with newfound confidence when his wife sat up, half-asleep and rubbing her eyes, and said, “Is that you, Bubba?”

  • Best Friend’s Cat Confusion

    Jim was in bed with his best friend’s wife. Just as things were reaching a climax, he suddenly stopped and sat on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands. “What the hell’s wrong with you?” she asked.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    “I feel just like a regular son of a bitch, getting some of my best friend’s pussy,” Jim moaned.

    “Well,” she soothed, patting his back, “you can stop worrying. You’re not getting his pussy. His pussy is five inches deeper.”

  • Drunk Guy’s Mystery Discovery at the Lab

    A guy went out one night and got pretty wasted at a local bar. He woke up with a terrible hangover and went to take a piss and some Alka-Seltzer when he looked down and saw that he had a red and a brown crusty substance around his dick.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    He scraped off a little of each into a container and sent it to a lab for identification. When he went to see the lab technician, the tech said he had some good news and some bad… first of all, the red substance was ordinary lipstick but I’m afraid the brown substance was…. chewing tobacco!

  • Mr Foley Halloween Candy

    Mr Foley Halloween Candy

    Once again Mr. Foley figures that he saves nearly twenty dollars per year on Halloween candy.

  • Pickup Lines That Will Get You Rejected

    70 pickup lines

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    1. That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed.

    2. Do you want to see something swell?

    3. Hey babe…do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi?

    4. Drop ’em!

    5. What do you like for breakfast?

    6. Excuse me. Do you want to fuck or should I apologize?

    7. Wanna fuck like bunnies?

    8. Say, did we go to different schools together?

    9. Why don’t you come over here, sit on my lap and we’ll talk about the first thing that pops up?

    10. I had a friend who used to hand out phone cards that said: “Smile if you want to sleep with me.” And watch them try to hold back their laugh.

    11. Hi, my name is {name}, how do you like me so far?

    12. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

    13. Would you like to dance or should I go fuck myself again?

    14. Hey baby, let’s go make some babies.

    15. At the office copy machine. “Reproducing eh?” “Can I help?”

    16. Would you like Gin and platonic or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?

    17. I think we have to make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW!

    18. Hey babe…can you suck a golf ball thru 50 feet of garden hose?

    19. Hey babe…can you suck start a Harley?

    20. Motion with your finger for a girl to come over. When she gets there say, “I knew if I fingered you long enough you would cum.”

    21. Hey babe, how about a pizza and a fuck? HEY! What’s wrong, don’t you like pizza?

    22. A woman asks, “Excuse me, do you have the time?” You: “Do you have the energy?”

    23. Hey babe, wanna get LUCKY!?

    24. Say mother, want another? (if she has kids)

    25. Bond. James Bond.

    26. Do you spit or swallow?

    27. You look like the type of girl that has heard every line in the book. So what’s one more?

    28. Your place or mine?

    29. Nice shoes, wanna fuck?

    30. You have some nice jewelry. It would look great on my nightstand.

    31. Would you like to have morning coffee with me?

    32. Your face or MINE!?

    33. “Are you ready to go home yet?”

    34. If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?

    35. When she asks, for a match. How about the hair on my head and the hair between your legs?

    36. Nice tits. Mind if I feel them?

    37. I love you. I want to marry you. Now fuck my brains out.

    38. Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let’s play gynecologist.

    39. Wanna play carnival? You sit on my face and I guess how much you weigh.

    40. I wanna floss with your pubic hair.

    41. I’m on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler?

    42. I’d look good on you.

    43. Excuse me, have I fucked you yet?

    44. I’d give you a piece of my mind, but I have more of something else.

    45. I would kill or die to make love to you.

    46. Sex is a killer…want to die happy?

    47. I love every bone in your body – especially mine.

    48. Hi, I make more money than you can spend.

    49. HI! Can I buy you a car?

    50. NOW, BITCH!

    51. Fancy a fuck?

    52. My face is leaving in 10 minutes. Be on it.

    53. Should I call you in the morning or nudge you?

    54. I’m new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?

    55. Fuck me if I’m wrong, but isn’t your name Gretchen?

    56. I’m Irish. Do you have any Irish in you? Would you like some?

    57. Was your father a thief? ‘Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

    58. Look at the tag in her shirt and say: “I want to see if you were really made in heaven.”

    59. Do I know you from somewhere, because I don’t recognize you with your clothes on?

    60. You got nice breasts, but what color are your nipples? Brown or Pink?

    61. Do you mind if I ask you a personal question? Have you ever had your belly-button licked?…(Yes)…From the inside?

    62. Your legs must be tired because you’ve been running through my mind all night.

    63. If your right leg was Christmas and your left leg was Easter, would you let me spend some time up between the holidays?

    64. Hi, how are you?

    65. Do you have a mirror in your pocket? (Why?) ‘Cause I could see myself in your pants.

    66. Really like your peaches, wanna shake your tree.

    67. Hi, my name is {name}, I like peanut butter, wanna fuck?

    68. I am a magical being, take off your bra.

    69. Hey baby, wanna go halves on a bastard?

    70. Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation? (No.) Do you wanna go upstairs and talk.

    71. Hold out two fingers and say: “Why should a woman masturbate with these two fingers?” (I don’t know.) “‘Cause they’re mine sweetheart.”

  • Dark Humor Warning: Shocking Punchline Ahead

    This guy and this girl are rampantly having sex. During a lull in the passion, the guy asks the girl to turn over.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    “Why?” asks the girl.

    “Because I want to try something different,” says the guy.

    “That’s perverted!” says the girl.

    “What did you say?” asks the guy.

    “I said that’s perverted.”

    “I’m sorry, I’m not quite sure I heard properly – what did you say?”

    “I said that’s perverted.”

    “Shit,” says the guy, “that’s a big word for a five year-old.”

  • Adios Card

    Adios Card

    Can you grab a card on the way home? My coworker’s mom died

    Loss of Loved One

    ADIOS!

    Loss of Loved One

    what the fuck is wrong with you?