Tone: shocking

Shocking humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Fixing the boat

    Plugging the hole in the row boat with my penis wasn’t a bad idea, but forgetting to take out my piercing barbell *was* — although the bass didn’t seem to think so.

  • Going to the Dentist

    Just when I thought I’d get a break from my day job as a prostitute by going to the dentist, I realized I was actually paying *him* to shove his throbbing tool in my mouth.

  • Came out of the closet

    While the police are wrongly referring to it as an aborted attempt to rob a convenience store, I couldn’t be prouder that I finally came out of the closet with my pantyhose fetish.

  • A lot of things changed

    When my girlfriend got pregnant, a lot of things changed.
    Like my name, my phone number, and my address.

  • Furry Trouble in the Forest!

    A bear and a bunny rabbit were pooping next to each other in the woods. The bear asked the bunny if it had problems with poop sticking to its fur.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
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    The bunny replied with a soft, “No, Mr. Bear, I don’t have a problem with poop sticking to my fur.”

    So, the bear wiped its butt with the bunny rabbit.

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  • Subway Revelation: A Lengthy Mistake!

    Two things happened today.

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    First, I learned that my penis is not as long as a 6-inch sub from Subway.

    Second, I was banned from my local Subway shortly after this revelation.

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  • Cut Off But Still Calling!

    Jesus is hanging on the cross and calls out to one of his apostles…

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
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    “Peter, Peter!” Jesus cries.

    Peter, down at the bottom of Calvary Hill, hears his Lord’s call and runs as fast as he can toward the sound of the voice. He ducks and weaves through the crowd until he’s spotted by a Roman soldier. The soldier cuts Peter’s left arm off and kicks him back down the hill.

    Jesus calls out again, his voice weakening: “Peter, Peter.”

    Though weak himself from his injury, Peter gets to his feet and begins up the hill again. Peter makes it past the first soldier and a bit farther up the hill when a second Roman soldier cuts off Peter’s other arm and kicks him back down the hill. Peter lies bleeding out when he hears the weakening voice of Jesus yet again.

    “Peter… Peter,” Jesus beckons.

    Peter musters his strength and stands. He begins his third attempt at climbing the hill. The first soldier is occupied and doesn’t notice Peter. The second soldier is busy beating another man. But when Peter is just about to reach the foot of the cross, a third soldier draws his sword, cuts off Peter’s left leg, and kicks him back down the hill. Peter, now nearly dead, hears Jesus call out one last time.

    Now just a whisper, Jesus calls, “Peter… Peter…”

    Peter, now looking more like a snake than a man, begins slithering his way back up the hill on his belly. The first, second, and third soldiers take no notice of Peter while he slowly makes his way through the blood and the mud. Peter can feel his strength waning as he finally reaches the top of the hill. Peter collapses at the foot of the cross and calls out to his Lord, “My Lord Jesus, why dost thou beckon me?”

    Jesus gazes down upon his faithful apostle and says, “Peter, Peter… I can see your house from up here.”

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  • Just a figure of speech

    My friend asked me to say a few words at his wife’s funeral, so I stepped up to the podium, cleared my throat, and said, “Curvy, shapely, voluptuous, generously proportioned, full-figured…”

    He stopped me and said, “Dude, what are you saying??”

    I replied, “Sorry… it was just a figure of speech.”

  • Sandpaper Sally: A Rough Night Out!

    A man is having a terrible day. He’s broke and needs to get his mind off things. He goes to a brothel, hoping to clear his mind. Beautiful women are lined up waiting for his choice.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    He talks to the madame and says, “I only have $10 to my name. Is there anyone who will fuck me?”

    The madame talks with some of the girls and heads to the back room. She comes back a while later.

    She tells him only one prostitute will sleep with him: Sandpaper Sally. She’s at the end of the hall.

    Nervously, he walks down the hall and enters the room. A woman who isn’t the worst-looking greets him. After warming him up a bit, she begins to fuck him. Her name held true. The man was so uncomfortable while fucking that he had to stop.

    He said, “I can’t do this. It’s too painful.”

    Sally says, “Hang on, I’ll be right back.” She leaves for the bathroom.

    The man is trying to recover. Sally comes back a little while later, and they go at it again. This time it was AMAZING. It was wet and soft. He came, and it was one of the best orgasms he has ever had.

    Astonished, he looks at Sandpaper Sally and asks, “What did you do in the bathroom?”

    She gives a small smile and says, “I picked off all of the scabs.”

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  • Desert Desires: The Camel Conundrum

    A man is making a long journey in the desert with his camel. He has been walking for days and suddenly has the urge to have sex. With no other options, he tries to have sex with the camel, which immediately runs away. He catches up and, after another day or so, tries again, but fails because the camel runs away.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    Another day or two later, he comes across three gorgeous women next to a broken-down van. They ask him for help fixing the van and say they will do anything in return.

    The man is a bit of a mechanic, so he is able to fix their van. The girls come up to him and ask him what he would like; they’re willing to do anything.

    “Anything?” asks the man.

    “Anything you want,” they reply.

    The man thinks about it for a minute, then politely asks, “Could you hold down my camel?”

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