Tone: shocking

Shocking humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Furry Trouble in the Forest!

    A bear and a bunny rabbit were pooping next to each other in the woods. The bear asked the bunny if it had problems with poop sticking to its fur.

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    The bunny replied with a soft, “No, Mr. Bear, I don’t have a problem with poop sticking to my fur.”

    So, the bear wiped its butt with the bunny rabbit.

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  • Subway Revelation: A Lengthy Mistake!

    Two things happened today.

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    First, I learned that my penis is not as long as a 6-inch sub from Subway.

    Second, I was banned from my local Subway shortly after this revelation.

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  • Cut Off But Still Calling!

    Jesus is hanging on the cross and calls out to one of his apostles…

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    “Peter, Peter!” Jesus cries.

    Peter, down at the bottom of Calvary Hill, hears his Lord’s call and runs as fast as he can toward the sound of the voice. He ducks and weaves through the crowd until he’s spotted by a Roman soldier. The soldier cuts Peter’s left arm off and kicks him back down the hill.

    Jesus calls out again, his voice weakening: “Peter, Peter.”

    Though weak himself from his injury, Peter gets to his feet and begins up the hill again. Peter makes it past the first soldier and a bit farther up the hill when a second Roman soldier cuts off Peter’s other arm and kicks him back down the hill. Peter lies bleeding out when he hears the weakening voice of Jesus yet again.

    “Peter… Peter,” Jesus beckons.

    Peter musters his strength and stands. He begins his third attempt at climbing the hill. The first soldier is occupied and doesn’t notice Peter. The second soldier is busy beating another man. But when Peter is just about to reach the foot of the cross, a third soldier draws his sword, cuts off Peter’s left leg, and kicks him back down the hill. Peter, now nearly dead, hears Jesus call out one last time.

    Now just a whisper, Jesus calls, “Peter… Peter…”

    Peter, now looking more like a snake than a man, begins slithering his way back up the hill on his belly. The first, second, and third soldiers take no notice of Peter while he slowly makes his way through the blood and the mud. Peter can feel his strength waning as he finally reaches the top of the hill. Peter collapses at the foot of the cross and calls out to his Lord, “My Lord Jesus, why dost thou beckon me?”

    Jesus gazes down upon his faithful apostle and says, “Peter, Peter… I can see your house from up here.”

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  • Just a figure of speech

    My friend asked me to say a few words at his wife’s funeral, so I stepped up to the podium, cleared my throat, and said, “Curvy, shapely, voluptuous, generously proportioned, full-figured…”

    He stopped me and said, “Dude, what are you saying??”

    I replied, “Sorry… it was just a figure of speech.”

  • Sandpaper Sally: A Rough Night Out!

    A man is having a terrible day. He’s broke and needs to get his mind off things. He goes to a brothel, hoping to clear his mind. Beautiful women are lined up waiting for his choice.

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    He talks to the madame and says, “I only have $10 to my name. Is there anyone who will fuck me?”

    The madame talks with some of the girls and heads to the back room. She comes back a while later.

    She tells him only one prostitute will sleep with him: Sandpaper Sally. She’s at the end of the hall.

    Nervously, he walks down the hall and enters the room. A woman who isn’t the worst-looking greets him. After warming him up a bit, she begins to fuck him. Her name held true. The man was so uncomfortable while fucking that he had to stop.

    He said, “I can’t do this. It’s too painful.”

    Sally says, “Hang on, I’ll be right back.” She leaves for the bathroom.

    The man is trying to recover. Sally comes back a little while later, and they go at it again. This time it was AMAZING. It was wet and soft. He came, and it was one of the best orgasms he has ever had.

    Astonished, he looks at Sandpaper Sally and asks, “What did you do in the bathroom?”

    She gives a small smile and says, “I picked off all of the scabs.”

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  • Desert Desires: The Camel Conundrum

    A man is making a long journey in the desert with his camel. He has been walking for days and suddenly has the urge to have sex. With no other options, he tries to have sex with the camel, which immediately runs away. He catches up and, after another day or so, tries again, but fails because the camel runs away.

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    Another day or two later, he comes across three gorgeous women next to a broken-down van. They ask him for help fixing the van and say they will do anything in return.

    The man is a bit of a mechanic, so he is able to fix their van. The girls come up to him and ask him what he would like; they’re willing to do anything.

    “Anything?” asks the man.

    “Anything you want,” they reply.

    The man thinks about it for a minute, then politely asks, “Could you hold down my camel?”

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  • Overachieving Rooster’s Wild Barnyard Adventures

    A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes out and screws all 150 of the farmer’s hens.

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    The farmer is impressed. At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore—he is worried.

    The next morning, not only is the rooster screwing the hens, but he is screwing the turkeys, ducks, and even the cow.

    Later, the farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead, and vultures circling overhead.

    The farmer runs out, looks down at the young rooster’s limp body, and says, “You deserved it, you horny bastard!”

    The young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, “Shhhh! They are about to land.”

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  • Superhero Secrets: Backyard Revelations!

    One day, Superman and Batman were in a pub having a drink and chatting away.

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    Superman was saying how, when he is bored, he likes to “cruise around” in the sky, looking down at people in their backyards.

    Batman says, “You must have some good stories to tell about what you’ve seen folks do in their backyards…”

    Superman replies, “Funny you should say that—just the other day I was cruising around and saw Wonder Woman lying naked on her back with her legs apart.”

    “Wow,” Batman was amazed. “What did you do?”

    “Well, I started to feel really horny right there and then, so I got my dick out and swooped down onto her,” replied Superman.

    “I bet she had the shock of her life…” exclaimed Batman.

    “Not half the shock that the Invisible Man got!” replied Superman.

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  • Coma Care: The Power of a Sponge!

    A woman is in the hospital in a coma, hooked up to all the monitors. One day, while the nurse was cleaning the wife, she noticed a blip of brain activity as she washed her nether region. The nurse scrambled to grab the doctor to show him.

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    The doctor ran the sponge over again: another blip. He was a little more vigorous, and a stronger series of blips appeared, but nothing brought back consciousness.

    The doctor rushed out, called the husband, and told him to rush over to the hospital. When the husband arrived, the doctor let him know there was some brain activity and said it might be a weird request, but oral may bring his wife back.

    The husband was flabbergasted, but after being reassured no one would interrupt, he went in and shut the blinds.

    The doctors and nurses gathered around the nurses’ station when, suddenly, alarm bells started going off. The doctor and nurse ran in to help and saw the husband sitting beside her.

    Doctor: “What happened?”

    Husband: “I think she choked.”

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  • Okay, who farted?

    Three guys from San Francisco are in a hot tub when suddenly a large blob of semen rises to the top.
    One of the guys stands up, angry, and asks, “Okay, WHO farted?”