Patient: “Doc, my bum hurts…”
Doctor: “Where specifically does it hurt?”
Patient: “Right around the entrance.”
Doctor: “Yeah well that’s the exit. As long as you think it’s an entrance, it’ll continue to hurt.”
Tone: witty
Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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The Wheelbarrow Bet
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is,” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won’t be able to wheel back.”
“You’re on, old man,” the young man replied. “Let’s see what you got.”
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right. Get in.”
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What Would Tiger Do
A couple were on their honeymoon.
Lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband:
“I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.”
The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age.”
The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one other guy.”
“Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”
“Tiger Woods.”
“Tiger Woods, the golfer?”
“Yeah.”
“Well he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.”
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
“What are you doing?” says the wife.
The husband says, “I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.”
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
“What are you doing?” she says.
The husband says, “I’m still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it one more time.”
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time.
When they finish he’s tired and beat.
He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”
“No! I’m calling Tiger Woods to find out what’s par for this hole.”
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Why They Charge for Air
The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car’s gas tank and tires…
She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, “Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!”
I responded, “Inflation.”
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The Ghost Car on a Dark Rainy Night
Bill was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a fierce rain storm.
The night was rolling on, and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few meters ahead of him.
Suddenly through the swirling rain Bill saw a car slowly coming towards him and as it drew level with him, it stopped.
Desperate for shelter and without really thinking about what he was doing, Bill got into the back seat of the car and closed the door.
That was when he realized there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t even on.
Mysteriously and soundlessly, the car started moving slowly forward. Bill looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Now he was scared, and he began to fear for his life.
But just before he reached the curve, a ghostly hand appeared through the window of the car, and turned the steering wheel.
Bill, paralyzed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve.
When he saw the lights of a pub down the road, Bill gathered all his courage and strength, jumped out of the car and ran to the pub.
Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of whiskey. Shaking and half crying, he began telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just been through.
A silence enveloped everybody when they realized he wasn’t drunk but was for real.
About 10 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub. They were also wet, and were out of breath.
Looking around and seeing Bill sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, “Hey Bruce… that’s the idiot who got in the car while we were pushing it.”
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Confessions After the Ceremony
A man and a woman meet in a bar, fall madly in love, and decide to get married a week later.
After the ceremony, the man looks to his new bride, and says, “I have a confession to make. I am completely obsessed with golf. I eat, sleep, and breathe the game, it’s my obsession, and I hope you won’t hate me for it.”
The woman looks at her new husband and says, “Honey, I could never hate you. But, I also have a confession to make. I’m a hooker, and hope you won’t hate me for it, either.”
The man gets a rather tortured look on his face, rubs his chin, and after a few long moments says, “Ok, well, show me your stance.”
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My First Day as a Cab Driver
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question…
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.
For a second, everything was quiet in the cab.
Then the driver said, “Look, mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!”
The passenger apologised and said, “I didn’t realise that a little tap would scare you so much.”
The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver — I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.”
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A Pinch of Gun Powder on Your Oatmeal
A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning…
The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
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Watching Football With My Son-In-Law
As a woman passed her daughter’s closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a “toy.”
Shocked, she asked, “What in the world are you doing?”
The daughter replied, “Mom, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.”
The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter with her “toy.”
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, “Dad, I’m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.”
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The “toy” was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked, “What the hell are you doing?”
The husband replied, “I’m watching football with my son-in-law.”
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The Penfish Is Even Mightier
The swordfish has no natural predators to fear from…
…except the penfish, which is supposed to be even mightier.
