I just turned 40 and I groan every time I get up now.
I’m finally a groan man.
Tone: witty
Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Sherlock Holmes and the Stolen Tent
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip in the American countryside. After a hearty meal and a bottle of wine, they settled in for the night.
A few hours later, Holmes woke up and nudged his friend, “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson gazed upward and said, “I see millions of stars.”
Holmes asked, “And what does that tell you?”
Watson thought for a moment and said, “Astronomically, it tells me there are countless galaxies and planets. Astrologically, I observe Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, I’d say it’s about a quarter past three. Theologically, it shows that God is all-powerful and we are small. And weather-wise, I’d expect a beautiful day tomorrow.”
Holmes paused briefly, then shook his head.
“Watson, you fool… it means that someone has stolen our tent.”
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The Man at the Door With a Bloodied Towel
A woman answered the doorbell and a man was standing there with something wrapped in a bloodied towel.
The man said, “I’m terribly sorry. I just ran over your cat.”
The woman burst into tears.
The man tried to comfort her by saying, “I’d like to replace it.”
The woman wiped her eyes and said, “Really? How are you at catching mice?”
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At Least 8 Characters and One Capital
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyLondon
When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
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You Were Starting to Sound Like My Ex-Wife
Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage just for fun. His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally spoke, “Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it’s time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop. You probably should just consider selling all your welders along with your gun collection, golf clubs, and that stupid vintage Harley.”
Tom got a horrified look on his face.
She said, “Darling, what’s wrong?”
He replied, “There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.”
“Ex-wife!” she screamed, “YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!”
Tom replied, “I wasn’t.”
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Take on an Empty Stomach
Doctor: “Have you been taking the medicine I prescribed you last month?”
Me: “It says to take on an empty stomach, so no, I haven’t had the chance.”
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Id Like to Be Eight Again
A man was sitting on the side of the bed watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked her what she would like as a gift.
“I’d like to be eight again,” she said, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a bowl of Frosted Flakes, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park… the death slide, the wall of fear, the screaming roller coaster… just to name a few.
Five hours later, they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling, and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate milkshake.
Then it was off to a movie with popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s! What a fabulous adventure!
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and fell into bed, exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile, “What was it like to be eight again?”
She opened her eyes, and her expression suddenly changed.
“I meant my dress size, you idiot!”
Moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he’s going to get it wrong.
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The Siberian Coal Miner and the Wheelbarrow
Back in Soviet Russia there was a man working in a Siberian coal mine.
Every Friday he would take a wheelbarrow full of dirt home and the security guard would stop him, make him dump out the dirt and sift through it searching for coal or other stolen valuables.
The security guard never found anything so he’d let the man reload the dirt and go home.
This went on for 25 years until the man was finally allowed to retire.
On his last day the security guard said, “I know you’ve been smuggling something out of here all of these years. Please, just tell me what it was.”
The man replied with a sly wink, “Wheelbarrows.”
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Suffering From Complete Sexual Exhaustion
A smart-assed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, “Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand.”
