I think math class should teach us useful skills, like how this small, round cardboard tube would be half full of toilet paper right now if I had just coughed up a few cents more for the double roll.
Tone: witty
Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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My grandfather lived to be over 100 years old, but I still feel that in an important way
My grandfather lived to be over 100 years old, but I still feel that in an important way he died too soon. If he could have waited until later in the week, I could’ve used the funeral to string together a three day weekend.
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I hate cargo pants, mainly because of the name.
I hate cargo pants, mainly because of the name. I don’t really need that constant reminder that my ass is big enough to be shipped as freight.
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It never fails: Whenever I try to get romantic with a woman, I always start crying
It never fails: Whenever I try to get romantic with a woman, I always start crying uncontrollably. I guess pepper spray will do that to ya.
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I have some JPGs of Britney Spears dancing naked.
I have some JPGs of Britney Spears dancing naked. Except she’s not naked — she’s wearing a grubby bathrobe, and she’s not dancing — she’s eating oatmeal, and she’s not Britney Spears — she’s me.
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The problem with my wife and I sharing a wireless Internet connection is that I’ll often
The problem with my wife and I sharing a wireless Internet connection is that I’ll often get notices from our service provider telling me that someone else is logging on to our account… FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!!!
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I went running today during my lunch break.
I went running today during my lunch break. It’s good for the heart and helps keep my weight under control, unlike those tubby bank security guards who couldn’t keep up with me.
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When I play with kids, instead of saying, “Got your nose!”
When I play with kids, instead of saying, “Got your nose!” I say, “Got your appendix!” That way, they can’t prove you wrong with a mirror — and if you accidentally really took it, they’d probably be okay.
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I think I learned a couple of valuable life lessons that night.
I think I learned a couple of valuable life lessons that night. One: The old adage about setting your sights on something and just grabbing for it doesn’t necessarily apply in strip clubs. Two: Metal toilets are cold.
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If aliens landed in my yard today and said, “Take me to your leader,” I’d probably refuse.
If aliens landed in my yard today and said, “Take me to your leader,” I’d probably refuse. Not to protect the president, mind you, but because I’d be too embarrassed to admit to an advanced civilization that we elected this guy.
