Tone: witty

Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Loggins Attempts

    I just got kicked out of a karaoke bar for singing “Danger Zone” five times.

    Apparently, I exceeded the maximum number of Loggins attempts.

  • World’s Biggest Fan

    I took my friend to see the world’s biggest fan for his birthday.

    He was blown away.

  • The Stuttering Clerk

    A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter walks up to a counter in a department store and asks, “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?”

    The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

    The man repeats himself: “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?”

    Again, the clerk doesn’t answer him.

    The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?”

    And the clerk just seems to ignore him.

    Finally, the guy storms away in anger after not being answered.

    The customer who was waiting in line behind the muscular guy asks the clerk, “Why wouldn’t you answer that guy’s question?”

    The clerk replies, “D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!”

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  • The Hyperbole

    While the Super Bowl has about seventy thousand attendees each year, the hyperbole has at least a bajillion.

  • Elephant Wisdom

    Why are elephants so wise?

    It comes with getting long in the tooth.

  • Van Gogh Coffee Table

    I just bought an original Van Gogh coffee table.

    I know it’s authentic because there’s a bit of veneer missing.

  • Feeling Drained

    After spending an hour unclogging the bathtub and sink…

    I’m feeling pretty drained.

  • Tom Jones Syndrome

    A guy goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I can’t get that song ‘She’s a Lady’ out of my head. It keeps repeating and repeating, and it just won’t go away.”

    The doctor says, “Hmmm… sounds like a case of Tom Jones Syndrome.”

    The guy says, “I’ve never heard of that. Is it rare?”

    And the doctor says, “It’s not unusual.”

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  • ID Theft

    My friend David has just been a victim of ID theft.

    He’s now called Dav.

  • The Genie’s Wish

    A father, mother and child are sitting down to dinner. The boy sees a strange-looking lamp in the middle of the table. He reaches over and rubs the side of it playfully.

    A genie appears suddenly. The boy asks, “Are you a genie like in Aladdin?”

    “I can grant each of you one wish. You can choose one thing and you will have a lifetime supply. You just go to where that thing is, show me, and voilà! It’s yours for life.”

    The mom runs to the car excited and says, “I want a lifetime supply of wine!” The boy screams, “I want a lifetime supply of candy!” The mom then realizes the dad is pulling out in their other car. The mom yells, “Where are you going?”

    The dad yells back, “The strip club!”

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