Tone: witty

Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • They Were Wright

    About a hundred years ago a couple brothers said they could fly.

    They were Wright.

  • Leopard vs. Cougar

    What’s the difference between a leopard and a cougar?

    A leopard can drag something twice its weight up a tree.

    A cougar can drag someone half her age into bed.

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  • Violins

    Did you know that the string section of an orchestra is the most dangerous?

    It’s because of all the violins.

  • A Stolen Car

    Two police officers stood beside a man who was bitterly crying.

    “Wow,” said one police officer, “he must have really loved that car.”

    “Not really,” said the other police officer. “It was five years old but fully insured. He’s crying because he just filled his gas tank.”

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  • Eaton / Dayton

    I was datin’ this girl from Eaton.

    Or maybe it was the other way around and she was from Dayton.

  • The Steaks Are Too High

    A guy walks into a bar and sees three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, “What’s up with the pieces of meat?”

    The barman replies, “If you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks all night, but if you miss, you pay the whole bar’s tab.”

    The man considers the challenge carefully and replies, “Nah, the steaks are too high.”

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  • A Little Fuck

    A midget is walking along a path when a beautiful blonde comes walking by in the other direction.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    He says, “Hey beautiful, what do you say to a little fuck?”

    And she says, “Hello, you little fuck.”

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  • Short Staffed

    I went to a restaurant run by midgets and the service was terrible.

    In their defense, they’re short staffed.

  • Short Staffed

    I went to a restaurant run by midgets and the service was terrible.

    In their defense, they’re short staffed.

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  • The Doctor’s Clinic

    A doctor couldn’t get hired at the hospital, so he opened his own clinic.

    Outside, he hung a sign:

    TREATMENT: $20
    IF WE CAN’T CURE YOU — YOU GET $100 BACK

    A lawyer saw the sign and thought, “I’ll make some easy money.”

    He walked in.

    Lawyer: “I’ve lost my sense of taste.”

    Doctor: “Nurse, bottle No. 14 — three drops on his tongue.”

    The lawyer sputters, “Ugh! That’s kerosene!”

    Doctor: “Great — your taste is back. That’ll be $20.”

    Irritated, the lawyer returned a few days later.

    Lawyer: “I’ve lost my memory. I can’t remember anything.”

    Doctor: “Bottle No. 14 again — three drops.”

    Lawyer: “Hey! That’s kerosene! You gave me that last time!”

    Doctor: “Perfect — your memory is back. That’ll be $20.”

    Fuming, the lawyer came back one more time.

    Lawyer: “My eyesight is terrible. I can’t see a thing.”

    Doctor: “I’m afraid we can’t help with that. Here — take this $100.”

    The lawyer looks at the bill.

    “Hey… this is only $20!”

    Doctor: “And just like that… your eyesight is restored. That’ll be $20.”

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