Tone: witty

Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Egg Timer

    This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!” My eyes lit up and I thought, “This is my lucky day!”

    Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn’t waste any time at all — I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

    Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove.

    More than a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”

    She giggled, “The egg timer’s broken.”

  • The Donkey Clock

    An American man visiting Mexico finds his wristwatch has stopped working. He’s got a flight to catch in a few hours, so he tries to ask a local the time but doesn’t know the language. Finally he meets an old Mexican man sitting next to a donkey who speaks English. “Excuse me, Señor, but do you know the time?” the American asks.

    The old man reaches up and grabs the donkey’s balls. He twists them to the left, then he moves them to the right, then he lifts them up. “Sí, Señor, it’s 2:20,” he replies.

    The American stands there for a moment, flabbergasted. Then he replies, “Gracias, Señor,” and walks away pondering what he just witnessed.

    A short time passes and the American wants to see the old man’s trick again, so he asks him the time. The old man again grabs the donkey’s balls — he twists them left, then moves them right, then lifts them up. “It’s 2:45,” the old man replies.

    “How in the hell are you doing that? How do you tell the time with donkey balls?” says the American.

    The old man replies, “You see, Señor, I twist them left, I turn them right, then I lift them so I can see that clock over there.”

  • I Need a Battery to Tell the Time

    I said to my son, “I need a battery so I can tell the time.”

    He asked, “Is it for a clock?”

    I answered, “I don’t know. That’s why I need the battery!”

  • Show Him Your Badge

    A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    “I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs,” he said.

    I replied, “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

    The DEA officer exploded. “Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!”

    Reaching into his back pocket, he pulled out his badge and shoved it in my face.

    “See this fucking badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked, no answers given! Do I make myself clear? Do you understand?”

    I nodded politely, apologized, and went back to my chores.

    A short time later, I heard loud screams. I looked up and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull.

    With every step, the bull was gaining ground, and it looked like the officer would get gored before he made it to safety.

    So I threw down my tools, ran to the fence, and shouted at the top of my lungs:

    “Your badge! Show him your fucking badge!”

  • Neurosurgeon Girlfriend

    I had to break up with my neurosurgeon girlfriend. She was messing with my head.

  • The Sax

    I really want to break up with my jazz musician girlfriend, but I can’t.

    The sax is too good.

  • Cold Calls

    Someone just called my phone and sneezed, coughed, and then hung up.

    I’m getting sick of these cold calls.

  • Eclipse Colander

    I was told I could look at the eclipse through a colander.

    I tried it, but it strained my eyes.

  • My Client Is Trapped Inside a Penny – He’s in a Cent – You’re Going to Jail With Him

    My Client Is Trapped Inside a Penny – He’s in a Cent – You’re Going to Jail With Him

    Lawyer: my client is trapped inside a penny

    Judge: what?

    Lawyer: he’s in a cent

    Judge: you’re going to jail with him

    @baptain_brunch

  • How Is Beauty and the Beast a Tale as Old as Time? A Lady Hooks Up With a Big Dog and All the Candles Start Talking

    How Is Beauty and the Beast a Tale as Old as Time? A Lady Hooks Up With a Big Dog and All the Candles Start Talking

    how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before