Tone: witty

Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Top 13 Surprises in Victorias Secrets New Spring Line

    The Top 13 Surprises in Victoria’s Secret’s New Spring Line

    13. New “Victor’s Secret” line

    12. New catalogue has 25% more pictures of sexy lingerie-clad supermodels, the likes of whom you will never, ever date.

    11. Company’s efforts to create a more wholesome image results in addition of new Girl Scout lingerie line.

    10. Spring Special: Purchase any item from the “Rodman Collection” and get a free tattoo!

    9. Almost 10% of the clothing is now made by well-paid adults.

    8. All bras are now seductively beer-scented.

    7. Every wear you look — corduroy!

    6. The “Joey, What Are You Doing In There So Long With My Victoria’s Secret Catalogue?” junior bra and panty set.

    5. New “Wedge-o-matic” discreetly un-binds underwear from uncomfortable cracks.

    4. Damn near everything in the new “Monica” line is Scotch-Guarded.

    3. All Miracle Bras now confirmed and blessed by the Vatican.

    2. New Teletubbies bras — because it’s never too early to screw up a young girl’s self image.

    1. All kinds of interesting lifting and separating going on with that new Cross-Your-Ass Thong.

    [ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
    [ The Top 5 List http://www.topfive.com ]

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  • Top 17 Safe Porn Movies

    The Top 17 Safe Porn Movies (R-rated)

    17. Cold Shower Mountain

    16. The Abstinent-Minded Professor

    15. The Silence of the Loins

    14. Mickey Blue Balls

    13. Boys on the Side of Caution

    12. Full Metal Chastity Belt

    11. Harry Potter and the Extremely Dog-Eared Issue of Swank

    10. The Longest Yawn

    9. Emmanuelle Goes Pennsylvania Dutch

    8. Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice… Have a Lovely Game of Bridge

    7. Bone Alone

    6. Fakin’ 2: Battery-Operated Boogaloo

    5. Debbie Does Bupkis

    4. Papa’s Celibate Condition

    3. White Men Can’t Hump

    2. Girl on Girl, Interrupted

    1. All Quiet on the Wankin’ Front

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

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  • Dont Complain About My Cooking

    A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his homosexuality from his parents, goes over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. Sitting down at the kitchen table, he lets out a big sigh and says, “Mom, I have something to tell you: I’m gay.”

    His mother made no reply, and the guy was about to repeat it, when she turned to him and said calmly, “You’re gay? Doesn’t that mean you put other men’s penises in your mouth?”

    Nervously, the guy said, “Uh, yeah, Mom, well I guess so.”

    His mother went back to stirring the pot. Suddenly, she whirled around and whacked him over the head with her spoon, saying, “Don’t you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!!!”

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  • The Taxi Driver

    A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window.

    “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.

    “Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25.”

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  • Top 12 Cartoon Character Pick-Up Lines

    The Top 12 Cartoon Character Pick-Up Lines

    12. Wimpy — “I’d gladly pay you Tuesday for a hummer today.”

    11. Foghorn Leghorn — “Ah say, boy, ah say, you’ve got it all wrong. Those little chickens you’ve been chasing around are roosters. What you want is a big ol’ hen, like me.”

    10. Bart Simpson — “Eat my shorts, ma’am!”

    9. Batman — “Wanna help to dispel those nasty rumors about me and the Boy Wonder?”

    8. Speedy Gonzales — “Senorita, it’s just a nickname!”

    7. Pepe LePew — “But, mon cherie — I don’t smell any worse than anyone else in France.”

    6. Ross Perot — “I’m worth $4 billion.”

    5. Porky Pig — “L-L-Let’s go back to my place and f-f-f-f-f-f-f-fu-f-f-fu… hump.”

    4. Popeye — “I’m strong to the finish ’cause I takes Viagra!”

    3. Pinocchio — “Hey, I *am* a woody!”

    2. Underdog — “My heart is for you, my Polly, dear; You are pure and true, can I sniff your rear?”

    1. Tweety Bird — “I wuuuv to eat putty!”

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  • Spice Girls Robots

    A young boy was watching TV with his father while his mother prepared the dinner in the kitchen. After a while, the kid wanders into the kitchen and asks, “Mummy, are the Spice Girls robots?”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    His mother replies, “No, dear, they aren’t. Why do you ask?”

    “Well, daddy just said that he’d like to screw the arse off the black one.”

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  • Caught In Bed With My Board

    These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again. They got up there and went into a trader’s store and told him, “Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year.”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The trader got the gear together and on top of each one’s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole. The guys said, “What’s that board for?”

    The trader said, “Well, where you’re going there are no women and you might need this.”

    They said, “No way! We’ve sworn off women for life!”

    The trader said, “Well, take the boards with you, and if you don’t use them I’ll refund your money next year.”

    “Okay,” they said and left.

    Next year this guy came into the trader’s store and said, “Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year.”

    The trader said, “Weren’t you in here last year with a partner?”

    “Yeah,” said the guy.

    “Where is he?” asked the trader.

    “I shot him,” said the guy.

    “Why?”

    “I caught him in bed with my board.”

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  • My Butt on the Account

    My mouth keeps writing checks my butt can’t cash, so I got my butt on the account, too. Unfortunately, it tends to blurt out my account number at inopportune times, like it did when I was applying for a mortgage last week. At least that’s what I told the loan agent.

  • Faster Than a Speeding Bullet

    One afternoon Superman was out flying around. Crime was slow that day, so he decided to go over to Spiderman’s house.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    Supe: “Hey Spidey, let’s go get a burger and a beer!”

    Spidey: “No can do, Supe. I’ve got a problem with my web-shooter. Can’t fight crime tomorrow without it.”

    So Superman heads over to the Bat Cave.

    Supe: “Hey, Batman! Let’s go get a burger and a beer!”

    Batman: “Not today, my friend. The BatMobile is down and it’s gotta be fixed. Can’t fight crime tomorrow without it.”

    Disgruntled, Superman takes to the air. Cruising around, he flies over a penthouse apartment balcony where none other than Wonder Woman is lying, spread-eagle and stark-naked. Supe gets a brilliant idea: “They’ve always said I’m faster than a speeding bullet and I’ve always wondered what she’d be like with all her Wonder Powers.”

    So he zooms down, does her in a flash and is gone before anyone can notice. All of a sudden Wonder Woman sits up and says, “What was that?!”

    The Invisible Man gets off her and replies, “I don’t know, but my ass hurts like hell!”

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  • Last One There Gets a Rotten Egg

    Q: What did one sperm cell say to the other sperm cell?

    A: Last one there gets a rotten egg!