A man died after falling into a vat of coffee.
His wife told reporters, “At least he didn’t suffer — it was instant.”
Tone: witty
Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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If Your Girlfriend Starts Smoking
If your girlfriend starts smoking….
…slow down, and use a lubricant.
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Urine Test Results
A man comes to the hospital and says his elbow hurts.
The doctor tells him to take a urine test.
The man gets annoyed: “Doctor, why a urine test? My elbow hurts!”
The doctor replies: “You came here for treatment. If I said take the test, then take the test and stop arguing.”
The man goes home furious. Out of spite, he mixes together urine from his wife, daughter, mother-in-law, and cat, adds some water from the heating radiator, and even pours in some brake fluid from his car. Then he takes the whole mixture to the lab.
The next day he comes back for the results.
The doctor says: “Well, your cat is perfectly healthy, so no need to worry about her. Your heating system is fine too — no repairs needed anytime soon.
Your mother-in-law is developing a serious illness. She’ll need surgery, expensive and only available abroad.
Don’t worry about your daughter — her young, strong body, despite being thirteen, has successfully formed a fetus. It’s twins.
As for your wife — she’s had syphilis for about six months, and because of that she’s not sleeping with you. So you go jerk off in the bathroom, it’s cramped in there, you keep banging your elbow against the wall — that’s why your elbow hurts.”
The man stands up, completely stunned, and walks away.
The doctor shouts after him:
“And change your brake fluid while you’re at it — your left rear brake cylinder is leaking too!”
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A Complete Guess But I Was Right
My friend asked me what the ninth letter of the alphabet was.
It was a complete guess, but I was right.
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I Cant Do That
Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup. As he is being looked over, the doctor asks about his stuttering. After considerable effort, he was able to tell the doctor that it started shortly after reaching puberty. The doctor asks him to drop his pants and underwear, at which point he sees the patient has an exceptionally large member. The doctor picks it up and asks the man if he feels any better. The patient clearly replies with no stutter that he feels great. The doctor tells him the weight is putting stress on his diaphragm, making it hard to move air in and out of his lungs, causing the stutter. The doctor says he can correct the problem but will have to replace his manhood with a smaller but still functional penis. The guy agrees to have it done because he is tired of the looks and insults he gets from strangers.
A couple days later he storms into the doctor’s office and, with perfect diction, asks the doctor to give back his old penis or his girlfriend will leave him.
The doctor replies, “I-I-I-I’m s-s-s-so sorry. I-I-I c-c-ca-can-can’t do that.”
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You Already Know How to Play Tennis
My wife walked in on me watching Internet porn so I quickly switched to a YouTube video on tennis.
As she left the room she said, “Turn it back to the porn, you already know how to play tennis.”
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Learn to Write With Your Other Hand
A teacher sternly informs her class that no excuse, from a papercut to the plague, is acceptable for missing a final exam.
When students suggest scenarios like car issues or roadblocks, she tells them to walk or find a detour.
Finally, a student asks what to do in the case of “extreme sexual exhaustion”?
To which the teacher deadpans, “You’ll just have to learn to write with your other hand.”
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Jesus Doesn’t Drink
Why doesn’t Jesus drink?
Because the last time he got hammered, it took him 3 days to recover.
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Cunning Runts
What’s the difference between a bunch of pygmies and the Stanford women’s track team?
The pygmies are cunning runts.
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A Crusty Bus Station
What’s the difference between a crab with breast implants and a transportation terminal?
One’s a crusty bus station.
