My wife says it’s okay to have a little penis. I still wish she didn’t have one, though.
Tone: witty
Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Smart Boss Hires Even Smarter People
John visits his friend David, a fellow businessman, and clearly impressed asks him, “David, how do you keep this place running so smooth?”
“Easy,” he said. “I surround myself with people who actually have a brain. Watch.” He calls his Chief Financial Officer and asks, “He’s your father’s son, but he’s not your brother. Who is he?”
The CFO responds almost immediately: “That’s me.”
John is floored. He flies home, calls his own CFO, and says, “Mike, I’ve got a test for you. He’s your father’s son, but he’s not your brother. Who is he?”
The CFO stammers for twenty minutes before asking for 24 hours to “research” it. He panics and calls Warren Buffet. “Sir, quick question: Your father’s son, but not your brother. Who is it?”
Buffet sighs. “It’s me, Mike.”
Mike runs to his boss, all proud. “Sir! I have the answer! It’s Warren Buffet!”
John slams his desk. “No, you idiot! It’s David’s finance guy!”
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Wife’s Accidental Car Meeting Goes Wrong
Over dinner, a woman said to her husband, “I met this horrible and rude man downtown this morning, and right away I knew he was a troublemaker. He started to insult me; he used really bad language; he even threatened me!”
“How did you meet this fellow?” He asked, very concerned.
She said, “Well, we met by accident, I hit him with the car.”
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Regional Driving Habits and Stereotypes
How To Identify Where a Driver is From
* One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago
* One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York
* One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
* One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California.
With gun in lap: L.A.* Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
* Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy
* One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle
* One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male
* One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male
* One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female
* Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia
* Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida
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Biker Seeks God’s Greatest Creation
Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, “Well, you’ve been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.”
Davidson thinks about it and says, “I wanna hang out with God, Himself!”
The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, “Hey, aren’t you the inventor of ‘Woman’?”
God says, “Ahhh, yes.”
“Well,” says Davidson, “You have some major design flaws in your invention!
1. There’s too much front end protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. The rear end wobbles too much
4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust“Hmmm…..” replies God, “hold on”
God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it.
“It may be that my invention is flawed,” God replies to Arthur Davidson, “but according to My Computer, more guys are riding my invention than yours!”
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German Car Parts Get Hilariously Mistranslated Names
When the German language doesn’t have an existing word one can sometimes assemble a new one from bits they already have. Therefore non-british people who speak english should pronounce the german phonetically.
INDICATORS Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken
BONNET Pullnob und Knucklechoppen
EXHAUST Spitzenpoppenhangentuben
SPEEDOMETER Der Egobooster und Linenshooter
CLUTCH Die Kuplink mit achlippen und schaken
PUNCTURE Die Phlatt mit Bludyfucken
LEARNER Die Twatten mit Elplate
ESTATE CAR Der Bagzeroomfurshagginaute
PARKING METER Der tennarpinscher und Zlochenarr
WINDSCREEN WIPER Der flippenflappenmuckenschpredder
POWER BRAKES Der edbangeronvinschreen stoppenquick
GEAR LEVER Biggensticken fur Kangaroochoppen
FUEL GAUGE Der Walletemptyung Meter
BREATHALYSER Die Puffitinter fur Pistenarsen
REAR VIEW MIRROR Der Yonkunter ist Tooklosan
SEAT BELT Der klunkenklikken frauleinstrapper
HEADLIGHTS Das Dippendontdazzelubasted
EXHAUST FUMES Die Koffundschplitterpoluter
HIGHWAY CODE Der Wipen fur Arsen
FOG WARNING Die Puttenklogdownan und Fukkitt
TRAFFIC JAM Die Bluddifuckin Dammundblast
REAR SEAT Der Schpringentester
TYRES Flatfahrts
BACKFIRE Der Lowdenbangermekkenjumpen
JUGGERNAUT Der Fukkengratt Trukken
ACCIDENT Das Bleedinkmess
NEAR ACCIDENT Der Phewn Near Schittenselfen
GARAGE Der Hieway Robberung
CYCLIST Der Peddallpushink Pilloken
SKID Die Bannanen Waltzen
DOUBLE WHITE LINES Overtaken und Krunchen. -
Removing It From the Church
What’s the hardest part of being an organ donor?
Removing it from the church.
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The Computer
Do you know why people call me “The Computer”?
I fall asleep if left unattended for 5 minutes.
