Tone: witty

Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Butterface

    Joey was hanging in a bar, and his friends asked him if he’d scored lately.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
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    “Man, I picked up this chick the other night and had the best sex ever,” Joey told them. “The only problem was, she was a total butterface.”

    His friends asked him, “What the hell is a butterface?”

    Joey answered, “Everything about her was hot, but her face.”

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  • I Had No Idea Your Father Was a Pharmacist

    A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her and her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

    That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents’ house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in.”

    The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

    Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.”

    The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!”

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  • He’s at Home with the Kids

    A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day was involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the woman, “Do you know what your asshole does when you’re having an orgasm?”

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    “Sure,” she said. “He’s at home, taking care of the kids.”

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  • It’s the Truth I’m Worried About

    A friend of mine was trying to figure out the best way to break up with her boyfriend. She seemed awfully concerned that he not be angry.

    “Are you afraid he’ll spread lies about you?” I asked.

    “I don’t mind the lies,” she answered. “But if he ever tells the truth, I’ll break his neck.”

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  • I Used to Be Six Feet Tall

    A midget went into a whorehouse. None of the girls really wanted to serve him, so finally they drew lots and Mitzi was unlucky and went up to the room with him.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    A minute later, there was a loud scream. The Madam and all of the girls charged up the staircase and into the room. Mitzi lay on the floor in a dead faint.

    Standing next to the bed was the midget, nude, with a three-foot cock hanging down and almost touching the floor. The girls were dumbfounded by the sight. Finally, one of them regained her composure enough to say, “Sir, would you mind if we felt it? We’ve never seen anything like that before.”

    The midget sighed. “Okay, honey, but only touching. No sucking. I used to be six feet tall.”

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  • Top 10 Signs You Just Bought a Lemon of a Car

    10. Your tinted windows are also known as Hefty garbage bags.

    9. The car reaches its optimum speed when going downhill.

    8. The hi-tech stereo system often requires a new needle.

    7. The rear-view mirror says, “Objects in Mirror Are Better Than This Piece of Junk.”

    6. The odometer on the dashboard is not as sophisticated as the everyday abacus.

    5. Traffic Watch warns other drivers what highway you’re taking.

    4. The sticker on the windshield says, “Batteries Not Included.”

    3. You fill up the tank with Unleaded Coals.

    2. You can only go to restaurants that offer Valet Pushing.

    1. When you approach hitchhikers, they put their thumbs down.

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  • Did I Come Here to Die?

    A Canadian tourist in Australia gets hit by a car. He wakes up in the hospital with a doctor standing over him.

    He asks the doctor, “Did I come here to die?”

    The doctor replies, “Nah mate, you came here yesterday.”

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  • The Pope’s Miracle Hearing

    The Pope is handing out miracles to kids in Liverpool. Billy walks on stage and asks him, “Can you help me with my hearing?”

    The Pope says, “Yes,” puts his hands on Billy’s ears, and prays. He removes his hands and asks, “How is your hearing now?”

    Billy says, “I don’t know, it’s not until next Wednesday.”

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  • Poop Deck Confusion Lands Lifetime Cruise Ban

    I haven’t been allowed back on a cruise ship ever since that whole ‘poop deck’ misunderstanding.

  • Don’t Change the Subject

    A guy walks into a bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller, and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!”

    Puzzled, the teller asks, “Don’t you mean history?”

    The robber yells, “Don’t change the subject!”

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