I bet one of the hardest parts of being a superhero is remembering which phone booth you left your clothes in. And by “superhero,” what I mean is “demented-exhibitionist-guy.”
Tone: witty
Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Deer Dragging Direction Makes All The Difference
Two goober hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.
“Hey, I don’t want to tell you how to do something… but I can tell you that it’s much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won’t dig into the ground.”
After the third hunter left, the two goobers decided to try it.
A little while later one said to the other, “You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!”
“Yeah,” the other added, “but we’re getting farther away from the truck….”
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Dolly Parton Smothers Little Short Mann
Suppose Dolly Parton married Tom Smothers, then divorced him and married Stuart Little, divorced him and married Martin Short, then divorced him and married Leslie Mann.
Her name would be Dolly Parton Smothers Little Short Mann.
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Wife Interrupts Husband’s Porn Search for Curtains
A husband, his wife asleep, goes to the computer in the living room, opens the browser and starts looking through some porn pics.
He’s looking, looking, suddenly he hears behind him:
“Wait wait wait! Scroll up! Again! One more!.. Yes! These are the curtains I want for the kitchen!”
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Never Start Off on the Wrong Foot
Why is a double amputee happier than an able-bodied person?
Because they never start off on the wrong foot.
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Safety in Numb Bears
Most zoo dentists refuse to treat a grizzly without strong anesthesia first.
Because there’s safety in numb bears.
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The Tolkien White Guys
The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis, who played Gollum.
They’re the Tolkien white guys.
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Never Really That Into Her
So sad news, my girlfriend broke up with me for having a small penis.
It’s OK… I was never really that into her.
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Dear God Most Likely Yes
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
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They Prefer to Eat Out
Why don’t lesbians ever get their pizza delivered? They prefer to eat out.
