Tone: witty

Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Deer Dragging Direction Makes All The Difference

    Two goober hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.

    “Hey, I don’t want to tell you how to do something… but I can tell you that it’s much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won’t dig into the ground.”

    After the third hunter left, the two goobers decided to try it.

    A little while later one said to the other, “You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!”

    “Yeah,” the other added, “but we’re getting farther away from the truck….”

  • Dolly Parton Smothers Little Short Mann

    Suppose Dolly Parton married Tom Smothers, then divorced him and married Stuart Little, divorced him and married Martin Short, then divorced him and married Leslie Mann.

    Her name would be Dolly Parton Smothers Little Short Mann.

  • Wife Interrupts Husband’s Porn Search for Curtains

    A husband, his wife asleep, goes to the computer in the living room, opens the browser and starts looking through some porn pics.

    He’s looking, looking, suddenly he hears behind him:

    “Wait wait wait! Scroll up! Again! One more!.. Yes! These are the curtains I want for the kitchen!”

  • Never Start Off on the Wrong Foot

    Why is a double amputee happier than an able-bodied person?

    Because they never start off on the wrong foot.

  • Safety in Numb Bears

    Most zoo dentists refuse to treat a grizzly without strong anesthesia first.

    Because there’s safety in numb bears.

  • The Tolkien White Guys

    The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis, who played Gollum.

    They’re the Tolkien white guys.

  • Never Really That Into Her

    So sad news, my girlfriend broke up with me for having a small penis.

    It’s OK… I was never really that into her.

  • Dear God Most Likely Yes

    Dear God Most Likely Yes

    OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers

    DETECTIVE: dear god

    OFFICER: most likely yes

  • They Prefer to Eat Out

    Why don’t lesbians ever get their pizza delivered? They prefer to eat out.

  • He Only Has One Eye and One Ear

    A policeman was interrogating three guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guy a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

    The first guy answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”

    The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture I showed is his side profile.”

    Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

    The second guy smiles, flips his hair, and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”

    The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two?! Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”

    Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

    He quickly adds, “Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”

    The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “The suspect wears contact lenses.”

    The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

    “Well, that’s an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.”

    He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file on his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

    “Wow! I can’t believe it. It’s true! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”

    “That’s easy…” the third guy replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”