I’m hosting an autopsy club meeting tonight!
It’s “Open Mike Night”!
Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
I’m hosting an autopsy club meeting tonight!
It’s “Open Mike Night”!
A guy finds an old lamp and gives it a rub. A genie pops out.
The genie says, “I will grant you three wishes, but there are rules. One wish has to be good for you, two have to be bad for you. And whatever you wish for, your ex-wife gets double.”
The guy thinks for a second and says, “Alright. For my first wish, I want a million-dollar mansion sitting on one hundred acres, with a safe inside that has ten million dollars in it.”
The genie snaps his fingers. “Done. And your ex-wife now has a two-million-dollar ranch on two hundred acres with a safe holding twenty million.”
The guy shakes his head but says, “Okay. For my second wish, I want you to give my ex-wife half of everything I have.”
The genie looks at him for a moment, then snaps again. “Done. Which means she now has to give you all of hers.”
The guy smiles. “Perfect.”
The genie says, “Alright, last wish. This one has to be bad for you.”
The guy takes a breath and says, “Fine. I want you to beat me half to death.”
The genie pauses, looks at him, then slowly smiles.
I got a job at a company that makes fire hydrants…
…but I had to quit. There was no place to park.
A constipated man goes to the pharmacy for laxatives.
Man: “One box of laxatives, please?”
Pharmacist: “I’m sorry. We’re all out of stock.”
Man: “What, again?! How does this keep happening?! I’m desperate for some relief!”
Pharmacist: “Well, that’s tough shit, I’m afraid.”
A guy is golfing at an upscale course and goes to hit the ball from the red tees. A staff member is driving by in his cart and grabs a megaphone: “Will the gentleman on hole four please move his ball back to the white markers, and not hit from the ladies’ tee box?”
The guy yells back, “Will the guy in the golf cart please shut the fuck up so I can take my second shot?”
My cellphone accidentally took a 10-minute video of my shoes yesterday…
It was some pretty good footage.
Do you have to have any special training to be a garbage man, or do you just pick it up along the way?
If you ever think you’re lazy, just remember…
Goldilocks decided to take a nap in the middle of a burglary…
What do you call a stolen Tesla?
An Edison.