Did you hear that Chevy and Toyota will be working together to build a car at the old Chevette factory?
The new sportscar will feature bucket seats and automatic wipers.
It will be called . . . the Toy-a-let.
Topic: business
Business jokes, memes, dark humor, awkward moments, and weird little disasters from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.
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Laid Off the Rower
The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile.
Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.
The consultant’s finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering. After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consulting firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team.
So as race day neared again the following year, the American team’s management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.
The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.
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Prepare Three Envelopes
A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high-tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. “Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can solve,” he said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, “Blame your predecessor.”
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press and Wall Street responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope.
The message read, “Reorganize.” This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times.
The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, “Prepare three envelopes.”
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The Microsoft Building
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a hand-written sign, and held it in the helicopter’s window. The pilot’s sign read “WHERE AM I?” in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign read “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.”
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER” sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded, “I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because, similar to their help lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.”
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Techs to Change a Light Bulb?
Q: How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four hundred and seventy-two: One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle…Q: How many technical support personnel does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? OK. Now, exactly how dark is it? OK. There could be four or five things wrong… Have you tried the light switch?Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We’ve formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.Q: How many beta testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We just notice that the room is dark; we don’t actually fix the problem.Q: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. Two to hold the ladder and one to screw the bulb into the faucet.Q: How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem and has assigned you request service number 39,712. Please use this number for any future reference to this light bulb issue.Q: How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You’re still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you’d have to do is send a light-bulb-change message.Q: How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The light bulb works fine in my office.Q: How many shipping department guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We can change the light bulb in seven to ten working days, but if you call before 2 p.m. and pay an extra $15, we can get the light bulb changed overnight.Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness™ as the new industry standard.Q: How many service technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, and he does it very well, but there is that $85.00 non-refundable on-site service fee to consider…Q: How many quality assurance techs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, and you’ll need a forty-eight-hour burn-in, two hours of cool down, and a very thorough bench analysis of the new bulb, so don’t expect to see either bulb for a week or so.Q: How many receptionists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Zero — well, actually one: the one who told the office manager about the light bulb problem in the first place.Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That’s a hardware problem. -
Double-Billed the Insurance Company
A seven-year-old girl tells her mom, “Little Johnny asked me to play doctor today.”
“Oh, dear,” the mother says nervously. “What happened, honey?”
And the little girl says, “Not much. He made me sit in a chair for forty-five minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.”
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Snap-On Tools should expand their line to include sex toys. They
Snap-On Tools should expand their line to include sex toys. They already have the name and all.
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Business idea: Whore House of Pancakes, for guys who get hungry
Business idea: Whore House of Pancakes, for guys who get hungry after they fuck.
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LinkedIn Stupid Idea Service
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Starting a new business. Do you have an annoying boss or pretentious coworker? For the low low price of $5/month I’ll comment on their LinkedIn “that’s a stupid idea” every time they post something.
