The sign on the door said, “PRESS.”
So I did.
The door opened…
And the room was full of journalists.
Topic: business
Business jokes, memes, dark humor, awkward moments, and weird little disasters from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.
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Asking for Aspirin While Winking
A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well with one problem — he kept winking at the camera.
The interviewer said, “Although you have a lot of the qualities we’re looking for, the fact that you keep winking is a real problem. I’m afraid we won’t be able to hire you unless you get it under control.”
“Oh, that’s no problem,” said the man. “If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking for a couple of hours. More than enough time to get the broadcast done.”
“Alright, show me,” said the interviewer.
So the man reached into his pocket. First, he put his hand in his right pocket, and as he took it out he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety and size, but no pills. Next he dug into his left pocket, and again pulled out an embarrassing amount of condoms in all shapes and colors before finally finding the packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin, and the second take went without a single hitch.
The interviewer said, “That’s amazing, I’d hire you on the spot, except that we’re not in the habit of hiring such womanizers. We’ve had too many sexual harassment suits.”
“Excuse me!” exclaimed the man. “I’m a happily married man, not a womanizer!”
“Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?” asked the interviewer.
The man sighed, “Have you ever tried going into a pharmacy, asking for aspirin, and winking all the while?”
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The Detective Exam
A police officer is interviewing three recruits who are training to become detectives.
To test their observational skills, he shows the first recruit a photograph of a suspect for five seconds before hiding it.
“This is your suspect,” he says. “How would you recognize him?”
The first recruit answers, “Easy. We’d catch him right away because he only has one eye.”
The officer sighs. “That’s because I showed you his side profile.”
Trying again, he shows the same photo to the second recruit for five seconds. “This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?”
The second recruit smiles confidently. “Even easier. He only has one ear.”
Now the officer is furious. “What’s wrong with you two? Of course he only has one eye and one ear. It’s a side-profile photo! Can’t either of you come up with a better answer?”
Completely exasperated, he turns to the third recruit. “This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?” Then he adds, “And think carefully before you give me another ridiculous answer.”
The third recruit studies the photo for a moment. “The suspect wears contact lenses.”
The officer blinks in surprise. He doesn’t actually know whether the suspect wears contacts.
“That’s… an interesting observation. Wait here while I check his file.”
A few minutes later, the officer returns with a huge smile. “Incredible! You’re right. The suspect really does wear contact lenses. How on earth did you figure that out?”
“Simple,” the third recruit replies. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”
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No Fuckin Chocolate
A customer walks into an ice cream shop and asks for a pint of chocolate ice cream.
The person behind the counter says, “I am sorry but we are out of chocolate ice cream, may I get you a different flavor?”
The customer thinks for a moment and asks for a quart of chocolate ice cream.
The person behind the counter says, “I am sorry but we are out of chocolate ice cream, we have no chocolate ice cream. Is there a different flavor that I can offer you?”
The customer thinks for a moment and asks for a half gallon of chocolate ice cream.
The worker’s jaw drops and they reflect on this for a moment, then ask the customer, “Can you spell the ‘van’ in vanilla?”
“What?” exclaims the customer. “What does that have to do—” The worker interrupts, “This will make sense in a moment if you spell the ‘van’ in vanilla.”
Skeptically the customer says, “Um, okay… V-A-N. But what does that have to do—” The worker interrupts, “This will make sense in a moment if you spell the ‘straw’ in strawberry.”
“What?” exclaims the customer. “What does that have to do—” The worker interrupts, “This will make sense in a moment if you spell the ‘straw’ in strawberry.”
Skeptically the customer says, “Um, okay… S-T-R-A-W. But what does that have to do—” The worker interrupts, “This will make sense in a moment if you spell the ‘fuck’ in chocolate.”
The customer thinks for a moment and exclaims, “There is no ‘fuck’ in chocolate!”
The worker replies, “Correct! That is what I have been trying to tell you — there is no fuckin’ chocolate.”
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I Don’t Know How I’m Going to Pay You
The young man was obsessed by the beautiful secretary in his office. He just had to kiss her and touch her body and…
One day, he plucked up the courage to speak to her. “I think you’re so gorgeous, if I paid you $250, would you come into the storeroom with me so that I can kiss you and rub my hands up and down your body?”
Now the girl liked money a lot, so she agreed and they disappeared into the storeroom. For the next 10 minutes, he showered her with kisses, unbuttoning her blouse and ravishing her breasts, but all the time, he kept murmuring, “I don’t know, I don’t know.”
Eventually, she asked, “Why do you keep saying ‘I don’t know’?”
“Well, I don’t know how I’m going to pay you.”
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Practicing Law Somewhere
A tough lawyer is cross-examining a medical expert in court: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”
“No.”
“Did you check for blood pressure?”
“No.”
“Did you check for breathing?”
“No.”
“So, then it is possible that the patient was still alive when you began the autopsy?”
“No.”
“How can you be so sure, Doctor?”
“Because his brain was sitting in a jar on my desk.”
“I see… But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?”
“Yes, I suppose it’s possible that he was alive and practicing law somewhere.”
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Hand Over Your Wallet or I’ll Jump
A man is standing at a urinal when he notices that he’s being watched by a midget.
The midget drags a small stepladder over and climbs up to admire the man’s private parts close up.
“Wow,” comments the midget, “those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!”
Freaked out, but flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.
“I know this is a strange request,” says the little guy, “but would you mind if I touched them?”
Again, the man is taken aback, but seeing no real harm in it, consents.
The midget gets a tight grip on the man’s balls and says loudly, “Okay, hand over your wallet or I’ll jump.”
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Only 40,000 Miles Now
A woman wanted to sell her car but couldn’t find any buyers. She called her friend for advice, and her friend asked how many miles were on the car.
“235,000,” she said.
Her friend told her that was the problem but said her brother was a mechanic who could roll the mileage back to whatever she wanted.
So the woman went to the mechanic and told him to set it to 40,000.
Two days later, her friend asked if she had sold the car now that the mileage had been lowered.
The woman replied, “Why would I sell the car? There are only 40,000 miles on it now!”
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Not a Single Piece of Straight Wood
Happy Pride Month to Home Depot!
There isn’t a single piece of straight wood in that place.
