Topic: death

Death jokes, funeral humor, grim memes, and mortality-themed laughs for anyone coping with existence through deeply inappropriate timing.

  • Pillsbury Funerals Cremation Services

    Pillsbury Funerals Cremation Services

    Nothing says lovin’ like something warm from the oven lol…. Woohoo

  • The Unused Christmas Gift

    At Christmas, a man just opened presents from his mother-in-law and she asks, “Where’s mine?”

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    He says, “I didn’t get you anything this year.”

    Visibly upset, she asks why.

    He says, “You never used what I got you last year.”

    She yelled, “IT WAS A BURIAL PLOT!”

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  • The Worst Round of Golf

    Guy gets home from golf and his wife asks, “How was the game?”

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    “Terrible, Dave dropped dead of a heart attack on the third tee.”

    “Oh, how awful!”

    “You’re telling me! The rest of the round it was hit a shot, drag Dave, hit a shot, drag Dave…”

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  • I Have Never Been a Mourning Person

    I have a friend who passed away recently and they are having the funeral at 7am. I’ve decided not to go… I have never been a mourning person.

  • The Dying Pastor and the Two Politicians

    An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for Joe Biden and Barack Obama to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room.

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    As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling.

    For a time, no one said anything. Both Biden and Obama were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments.

    They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, Obama asked, “Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?”

    The old pastor mustered all his strength, and then said weakly, “Jesus died between two thieves… and that’s how I’d like to go.”

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  • Got Here in Two

    A golfer tees up his ball on the first tee, takes a mighty swing, and hits the ball into a clump of trees.

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    After looking for a minute, he finds the ball and sees that there’s an opening between two trees, and like every ‘weekend professional’ he’s completely confident that he can make the perfect shot!

    Taking out a 3 iron, closing the club-face and his shoulder, he executes a low punch shot that comes off the face like a bullet.

    The ball hits a tree, bounces straight back, hits him in the forehead and kills him instantly!

    As he approaches the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asks, “Are you a good golfer?”

    The man replied, “Got here in two, didn’t I?”

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  • Put Me Down for a Five

    Police have been called to an apartment, and upon arrival find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man.

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    The detective asks, “Ma’am, is that your husband?”

    “Yes,” says the woman.

    “Did you hit him with that golf club?”

    “Yes, yes, I did.”

    The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.

    “How many times did you hit him?”

    “I don’t know — put me down for a five.”

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  • Because I Don’t Do Any of These Things

    Nobody sees the 5am runs.

    Nobody sees me choosing a salad over fries.

    Nobody sees me doing yoga in a peaceful sunlit room.

    Because I don’t do any of these things.

  • A Big Step Forward

    My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape.

    That would be a big step forward.

  • Boat for Sale

    An old woman goes to the newspaper office after her husband died.

    She says to the person at the front desk that she needs to get an obituary published for her husband.

    She gets brought into an office and is asked what she wants the obituary to say.

    The woman thinks and says, “Fred Smith died.”

    The reporter looks at her and says, “Ma’am, you can have it say more than that if you want.”

    So the little old lady thinks for a second and says, “Fred Smith died. Boat for sale.”

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