A doctor calls his patient and says, “I have some bad news and some very bad news.”
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Unleash ChaosTopic: death
Death jokes, funeral humor, grim memes, and mortality-themed laughs for anyone coping with existence through deeply inappropriate timing.
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One More Time
A doctor tells his patient, “I have terrible news. You have a rare incurable condition and will be dead by morning.”
The man goes home and tells his wife — it’s tragic, but there’s nothing to be done.
They go to bed… he’s reflecting on his life… and looks at his wife, and thinks… one more time. He wakes her up… and they make love.
She goes back to sleep, but he can’t sleep… and he looks at her again… and thinks… I gotta have it. He wakes her up, and they have sex.
She goes back to sleep again. The hours pass. The sun will soon be up. He thinks, better to die happy… and he nudges his wife again… “How about it?”
She looks at him angrily and says, “LOOK. I have to get up in the morning… YOU don’t!”
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The Tightest Man in Town
Old Mr. Patterson, the tightest man in town, was lying on his deathbed. As his final wish, he asked to be alone with his lawyer, his doctor, and his pastor.
“I know I can’t take it with me,” he whispered, “but I’m going to try.” He handed each man $150,000 and said, “Make sure this money goes in the casket with me.”
A few days after the funeral, the pastor cleared his throat at the diner, “With a heavy heart, I confess… I only put $100,000 in the casket.”
The doctor sighed and rubbed his temples, “Since we’re being honest, I only put in $80,000 myself.”
The lawyer slammed his coffee cup down in disgust, “You two ought to be ashamed of yourselves! Taking money from a dying man?” he huffed. “Am I the only honest one here?”
He pulled out his checkbook and waved it proudly, “I wrote him a check for the full $150,000!”
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Make Sure Hes Really Dead
Two hunters are out in the woods when one collapses. The other calls 911, panicking: “I’m out hunting with my friend. He just fell over, his eyes rolled back in his head, and he’s not breathing. I think he’s dead! What can I do?”
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Nearly Met Jesus
Hiking in your 70s is a great way to meet people.
Today I met two paramedics, three nurses, a cardiologist… and nearly met Jesus!
