What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Topic: gender
Gender jokes, memes, dark humor, awkward moments, and weird little disasters from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.
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Reasons Why Motorcycles Are Better Than Women
Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles.
Motorcycles’ curves never sag.
Motorcycles last longer.
Motorcycles don’t get pregnant.
You can ride a motorcycle any time of the month.
Motorcycles don’t have parents.
Motorcycles don’t whine unless something is really wrong.
You can kick your motorcycle to wake it up.
You can share your motorcycle with your friends.
If your motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
You only need to get a new chain or belt for your motorcycle when the old one is really worn.
If your motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
Motorcycles don’t care about how many other motorcycles you have ridden.
When riding, you and your motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
Motorcycles don’t care about how many other motorcycles you have.
Motorcycles don’t mind if you look at other motorcycles, or if you buy motorcycle magazines.
New motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don’t want to pay for them, you don’t get them.
If your motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.
If your motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
If your motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.
If your motorcycle is misaligned, you don’t have to discuss politics to correct it.
You can have a beer while riding your motorcycle.
You can have a black motorcycle and show it to your parents.
You don’t have to be jealous of the guy who works on your motorcycle.
You don’t have to deal with priests or blood tests to register your motorcycle.
You don’t have to convince your motorcycle that you’re a motorcyclist and that you think motorcycles are equals.
If you say bad things to your motorcycle, you don’t have to apologize before you can ride it again.
You can ride a motorcycle as long as you want and it won’t get sore.
Your parents don’t remain in touch with your old motorcycle after you dump it.
Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.
Motorcycles don’t insult you if you’re a bad rider.
Your motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other motorcycles.
Motorcycles don’t care if you’re late.
You don’t have to take a shower before riding your motorcycle.
It’s always OK to use tie-downs on your motorcycle.
If your motorcycle doesn’t look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
You can’t get diseases from a motorcycle you don’t know very well.
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Biker Seeks God’s Greatest Creation
Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, “Well, you’ve been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.”
Davidson thinks about it and says, “I wanna hang out with God, Himself!”
The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, “Hey, aren’t you the inventor of ‘Woman’?”
God says, “Ahhh, yes.”
“Well,” says Davidson, “You have some major design flaws in your invention!
1. There’s too much front end protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. The rear end wobbles too much
4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust“Hmmm…..” replies God, “hold on”
God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it.
“It may be that my invention is flawed,” God replies to Arthur Davidson, “but according to My Computer, more guys are riding my invention than yours!”
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Miley Cyrus Home Depot
mikerocks182 1 week ago
When Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music.” When I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot.”
Reply · 42
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Differences Between You and Your Boss
When you take a long time, you’re slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he’s thorough.When you don’t do it, you’re lazy.
When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.When you make a mistake, you’re an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he’s only human.When doing something without being told, you’re overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that’s initiative.When you take a stand, you’re being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he’s being firm.When you overlook a rule of etiquette, you’re being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he’s being original.When you please your boss, you’re arse-creeping.
When your boss pleases his boss, he’s being cooperative.When you’re out of the office, you’re wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he’s on business.When you have one too many drinks at a social, you’re a drunken bum.
When your boss does the same, he appreciated women.When you’re on a day off sick, you’re always sick.
When your boss takes a day off sick, he must be very ill.When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it’s because he’s overworked. -
Bar Room Translations
1. “You get this one, next round is on me.” (We won’t be here long enough to get another round.)
2. “I’ll get this one, next one is on you.” (Happy hour is about to end… drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round they’ll be $4.50 a pop.)
3. “Hey, where is that friend of yours?” (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)
4. “Can I get a glass of white zinfandel?” (female) (I’m easy.)
5. “Can I get a glass of white zinfandel?” (male) (I’m gay.)
6. “Ever try a body shot?” (male to female) (I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)
7. “Ever try a body shot?” (female to male) (If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I’ll do to you on the ride home?)
8. “I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” (female) (You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)
9. “I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” (male) (I’m horny.)
10. “Who’s got the next round?” (I haven’t bought a round in almost three years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)
11. “Excuse me.” (male to male) (Get the hell out of the way.)
12. “Excuse me.” (male to female) (I am going to grope you now.)
13. “Excuse me.” (female to male) (Don’t even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.)
14. “Excuse me.” (female to female) (Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don’t think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho… Get your eyes off of my man, or I’ll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.)
15. “What do you have on tap?” (What’s cheap?)
16. “Can I have a white Russian?” (male) (I’m really gay.)
17. “Can I have a white Russian?” (female) (I’m really easy.)
18. “That person looks really familiar.” (Did I sleep with him/her?)
19. “Can I just get a glass of water?” (female) (I’m annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)
20. “I don’t have my ID on me.” (female) (I’m 19.)
21. “I don’t have my ID on me.” (male) (I don’t have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here.)
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The Top 15 Signs You’re Drinking a Chick Beer
15. Every time you have to hit the john, you find yourself asking a friend to come along.
14. Warning label states: “Caution: May make ass look fat.”
13. After a few, you find yourself arguing that figure skating actually is a sport.
12. Your belches come out potpourri-scented.
11. You still cry into your eighth one, but now it’s because the guy on the next stool is wearing the same outfit.
10. The slogan: “Get that bloated feeling any day of the month!”
9. The label boasts that it’s this month’s recommendation from Oprah’s Beer Club.
8. Your desire to wear women’s panties is stronger than usual.
7. When you squat to pee in the sink, you notice a fresh floral scent.
6. After you’ve slammed a few, you find yourself at Blockbuster trying to decide between “Sleepless in Seattle” and “Waiting to Exhale.”
5. Regis Philbin gets funnier with every sip!
4. The can has a picture of a shirtless Fabio on the front and a bundt cake recipe on the back.
3. “Who cares about the game? Will & Grace is on!”
2. There’s no head unless you pour some liquor into it.
1. Your man-boobs have started lactating.
The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
Copyright 2003 by Chris White -
Why a Beer Is Better Than Women
1. You can enjoy a beer all month long.
2. A frigid beer is good.
3. A beer doesn’t care when you come home.
4. When a beer goes flat you can toss it.
5. A beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.
6. A beer never gets a headache.
7. If you pour a beer right, you always get a good head.
8. You can share a beer with a friend.
9. You always know when you’re the first one to pop a beer.
10. A beer is always wet.
11. You can have a beer in public.
12. You don’t have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
13. A beer doesn’t get pregnant.
14. A beer doesn’t have parents.
15. You can say whatever you want to a beer.
16. A beer doesn’t care if you are late.
17. And you can always have several different beers and not feel guilty.
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The Top 13 Rejected Steps in 12-Step Programs
13. Whenever the urge to submit to your addiction strikes, sing Barney songs until pummeled beyond recognition.
12. Humbly ask God to remove all character flaws and about five inches from our thighs, hips and buttocks.
11. Toast to your success!
10. Blame the friggin’ wife for spending all my hard-earned money, for chrissake!
9. First step: Ask her out and treat her like a lady.
8. Do a shot of tequila every time someone says “codependent.”
7. First, you must admit to everyone you know that you have “this friend” who has a problem.
6. Come clean about that Chappaquiddick thing, for cryin’ out loud.
5. Put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.
4. Admit that feng shui cannot in any way compensate for daily physiological counseling.
3. Give yourself over to a higher power — but first, take off all your clothes and have a seat in the Oval Office.
2. Steps five through seven: Lick it, suck it, slam it.
1. Complete the program by standing in front of your support group and shouting, “I’m cured, you bunch of losers!”
