A man was waiting in line at the supermarket when an attractive woman walked up to him and said, “Hi there, I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
Unleash ChaosTopic: marriage
Marriage jokes, spouse memes, domestic negotiations, romantic regrets, and legally binding punchlines for people who said “I do” and then kept receipts.
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Do You Still Need a Push
A young man knocks on a couple’s door late one evening. It’s cold, wet, and well past midnight.
The husband answers the door, clearly annoyed at being disturbed so late.
The young man asks, “Could you give me a push?”
The husband replies, “It’s 3 a.m., it’s freezing outside, and you look perfectly healthy. Push yourself.”
Then he slams the door in the young man’s face.
A few minutes later, the husband gets into bed.
“Who was that?” his wife asks.
“Oh, some young guy who said he needed a push. He’s young and strong. He can do it himself.”
His wife frowns. “Remember when our car broke down a few months ago? We would’ve been grateful for any help we could get. Go do a good deed and help the poor fellow.”
Feeling guilty, the husband gets out of bed, throws on his dressing gown, and heads outside.
He looks up and down the street but can’t see a broken-down car or anyone in sight.
Finally, he calls out, “Hello? Do you still need a push? I’m happy to help! Where are you?”
From the playground across the street, a voice calls back, “I’m over here on the swing!”
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Is the Coast Clear
A married couple is sleeping when the phone rings at 3 AM.
The wife picks up the phone and replies, “How am I supposed to know? We’re 200 miles inland!” and hangs up.
Her husband rolls over and asks, “Who was that?”
“I don’t know, some dumb blonde asking if the coast is clear.”
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Words at the Funeral
A man asked a widow if he could say a word at her husband’s funeral.
“Certainly,” she replied.
He stood up and said, “Plethora.”
The widow smiled and said, “Thanks, that means a lot.”
Another man stood up and said, “Bargain.”
The widow replied, “Thanks, that means a great deal.”
Yet another stood up and said, “Earth.”
“Thanks,” she said. “That means the world.”
Another man stood and said, “Infinity.”
The widow smiled and replied, “Thanks, that means more than you can imagine.”
Yet another stood up and said, “Retirement.”
The widow said, “Thanks, my husband would have loved that.”
Finally, one man simply held up a sprig of Mentha spicata.
The widow smiled and said, “Thanks, that’s a lovely scent of mint.”
