Marriage jokes, spouse memes, domestic negotiations, romantic regrets, and legally binding punchlines for people who said “I do” and then kept receipts.
A husband and wife are celebrating their 30th anniversary at a quiet romantic restaurant when a beautiful young woman walks up to their table, kisses the husband deeply on the lips, and says, “See you tomorrow, babe,” before strolling out.
After a long courtship, Tom finally marries his longtime girlfriend. One day after the honeymoon, Tom is in the garage cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.
His wife comes out, watches Tom work for a few minutes, and says, “Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it’s time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars.”
Tom gets this absolutely horrified look on his face, and his wife says, “Darling, what’s wrong?”
Tom says, “I’m sorry. For a second there, you sounded exactly like my ex-wife.”
“Ex-wife!” she screams. “You never told me you were married before!”
And Tom says, “I wasn’t.”
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
A young man, out on the tiles with his mates, spies the girl of his dreams across a dance floor. Having admired her from afar, he finally gets up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening.
A man called his wife and said, “Hey darling, great news! My boss invited me on a week-long fishing trip out of town. Big chance for a promotion! Can you pack me enough clothes for the week, set out my rod and tackle box, and… don’t forget my new blue silk pajamas!”
His wife felt something wasn’t quite right, but being a good wife, she did everything he asked.
A week later he came home — tired, sunburned, but smiling.
She asked, “So, how was it? Did you catch anything?”
He grinned, “Oh yes! Plenty of salmon, some bluegill… even a swordfish! But hey — why didn’t you pack my blue silk pajamas?”
She smiled sweetly and said, “Oh, I did. They were in your fishing box.”
