Topic: marriage

Marriage jokes, spouse memes, domestic negotiations, romantic regrets, and legally binding punchlines for people who said “I do” and then kept receipts.

  • Once a Sailor Always a Sailor

    On the day of the wedding, the bride was getting dressed, surrounded by all of her family…

    And then she suddenly realized she had forgotten to get any shoes and began to panic.

    Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to the bride for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over the bride’s feet were hurting real bad.

    When she and the groom withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.

    The rest of the family crowded around the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard the groom say, “God, that was tight.”

    “There,” whispered the mother of the bride. “I told you she was a virgin.”

    Then, to their surprise, they heard the groom say, “Right. Now for the other one.” Followed by more grunting and straining, at last the groom said, “My God. That was even tighter.”

    “That’s my boy,” said the father of the groom. “Once a sailor, always a sailor.”

  • Cucumbers Vegan

    Cucumbers Vegan

    When my wife sends me to the supermarket to get cucumbers I also buy Vaseline so the cashier doesn’t think that I’m a vegan.

  • Rest In Peace

    Rest In Peace

    Wife: Babe you know if you die, I’m definitely coming with you.

    Husband: I can’t even rest in peace.

  • The Only Way I Can See the Numbers

    When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!” I replied, “Sure, it does.”

    “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

  • I Can Tell By the Voice

    I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?” I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled…

    “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

  • Hurts Doesnt It

    A married guy was out getting a little “strange stuff” when he suffered a massive heart attack and died. The undertaker called his wife as he was preparing the body, saying, “Your late husband died with a tremendous erection that we can’t get to go away… What would you like us to do?”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    To which she replied, “Somehow, that doesn’t surprise me… Cut it off and stuff it in his ass.”

    When she went to view the body she noticed a somewhat pained expression on her deceased husband’s face as he lay in the casket. Bending over him she said softly, “Hurts, doesn’t it?”

  • Women Live Longer No Wife

    Women Live Longer No Wife

    Women live longer than Men because they don’t have a wife

  • Nothing Would Please Me More

    Nothing Would Please Me More

    Husband: I’m getting you diamonds for our anniversary

    Wife: Nothing would please me more

    Husband: *Gets her nothing instead*

  • Not Good Enough For Her Family

    A redneck is on his honeymoon about to make love, when his wife says…

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    “Wait, honey, there’s somethin’ I need you to know. I’m a virgin.”

    “WHAT THE FOOK?” The man shouts, and he punches her in the face, knocks her out.

    He wraps her in the bedsheets, drags her down the stairs and out the door, throws her into the back of his pickup truck, and drives on over to her daddy’s house, where he dumps her in the yard.

    Then the man drives to his daddy’s house and goes inside.

    The dad sees his son, and says, “What the hell you doin’ here, boy? Ain’t you supposed to be with your new bride?”

    “Well, pa,” the son says, “I was, but she told me she’s still a virgin.”

    “Well holy dog-shit,” says the dad, “What’d you do then?”

    “I punched her in the face and knocked her out, wrapped her up in the sheets, drug her down the stairs and out the door, threw her in the back of my pick up, and then drove on to her daddy’s house and dumped her on the lawn.”

    The dad starts laughing, and, patting his son on the back, he says, “Good job, son. If she ain’t good enough for her family, I say she ain’t good enough for ours neither.”

  • Biscuits And Gravy

    Biscuits And Gravy

    I’LL DO ANYTHING YOUR WIFE DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO DO, BABY.

    CAN YOU MAKE BISCUITS AND GRAVY?