Topic: marriage

Marriage jokes, spouse memes, domestic negotiations, romantic regrets, and legally binding punchlines for people who said “I do” and then kept receipts.

  • Doctor’s Three-Day Sex Schedule Backfires

    The newlyweds were suffering from exhaustion and after an examination, their doctor advised, “It’s not unusual for young people to overdo things during the first weeks of marriage. What you both need is rest. For the next month I want you to limit your sex life to those days of the week with an “R” in them. That is, Thursday, Friday and Saturday.”

    Since the end of the week was approaching the newlyweds had no immediate difficulty following the medico’s orders. But on the first night of scheduled rest the young bride found herself eager as a beaver.

    Hubby fell asleep, but she tossed and turned and finally nudged her spouse into partial wakefulness.

    Expecting daylight, and confused with the darkness, he asked, “What day is it honey?”

    She looks at him with a gleam in her eyes and says, “Mondray.”

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  • Dick’s Burnout: Thirty Times Left

    A man is having problems with his dick which certainly had seen better times… He consults a doctor which, after a couple of tests, says, “Sorry, but you’ve overdone it the last 30 years, your dick is burned out; you won’t be able to make love more than 30 times!”

    The man walks home (deeply depressed, of course); his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him.

    She says: “Oh my god, only 30 times! We should not waste that; we should make a list!”

    He replies, “Yes, I already made a list on the way home; sorry your name is not on it!”

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  • Widow Maker: The Ultimate Catch

    Two guys, Frank and Bob, were out fishing on a quiet lake.

    A funeral procession passed over a nearby bridge, and Bob took off his hat.

    He stood in silence with his hat over his heart until the cars passed.

    “That was a very moving gesture, Bob,” Frank said.

    Bob replied, “It’s the least I could do; I was married to her for 30 years.”

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  • Virgin Bride’s Three Failed Marriages Explained

    A middle aged man and woman meet, fall in love, and decide to get married. On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride says to her new groom, “Please promise to be gentle,… I am still a virgin.”

    The startled groom says “How can that be? You’ve been married 3 times before.”

    The bride responds… “Well you see it was this way: My first husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.”

    “My second husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.”

    “And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he ever wanted to do was……………..God I miss him!”

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  • Three Daughters, Three Cryptic Ads, One Happy Mother

    A mother had three daughters and, on their wedding day, she told each one of them to write back about their married life.

    The first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives with a single message, simply:
    “MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE”
    Mother was very confused and finally noticed a Maxwell Advert, and it said:
    “Satisfaction to the last drop…” So, Mother was happy.

    Then the second daughter got married. After a week, there was a message that read:
    “ROTHMANS”
    So, the Mother looked at a Rothmans ad, and it said:
    “LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE” And Mother was happy.

    Then it the third one got married. Mother was anxious. After four weeks came the message:
    “BRITISH AIRWAYS”
    So mother looked at the BA ad, but this time she fainted. The ad read:
    “TWO TIMES A DAY, FOUR TIMES A WEEK, BOTH WAYS.”

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  • Duct Tape Viagra

    Duct Tape Viagra

    “Hope you don’t mind… I’m out of Viagra, so I used duct tape.”

  • Grandpa’s Sexual Decline Through the Years

    A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him, “When you first get married, you want it all the time…and maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year…maybe on your anniversary.”

    The young fellow then asked his grandfather, “Well, how about you and Grandma now?”

    His grandfather replied, “Oh, we just have oral sex.”

    “What’s oral sex?” the young fellow asked.

    “Well,” Grandpa said, “she goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, ‘Screw You,’ and I holler back, ‘Screw You too!’”

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  • Fireman’s Home Alarm System Gets Misused

    A fireman was talking to his wife and told her “We have this really good system down at the station. One bell means that we all grab our gear, two bells means that we all slide down the pole, and three bells means that we all board the fire engine and leave. So that’s what we’re going to do around here. When I say one bell, I want you to take off all of your clothes. When I say two bells, I want you to get in the bed. When I say three bells, we start screwing.”

    Later on that night, the fireman said one bell, and his wife began to disrobe.

    Then, he said two bells, and his wife jumped into the bed.

    Then, he said three bells, and they began to screw.

    After a couple of minutes, his wife said “four bells.”

    The fireman said “What’s that mean?”

    She said “The fire is not out and I need more hose!”

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  • Wetting My Fingers to Turn the Pages

    There was this couple in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on and read a book. As he was reading he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling with her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.

    The wife then got up and started stripping off in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, “What are you doing taking all your gear off?”

    The wife replied, “You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier.”

    The husband said, “No, not at all.”

    The wife then asked, “Well, what were you doing then?”

    “Oh,” he said, “I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book!”

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  • Smoking Cessation Plan Backfires Spectacularly

    I knew a girl at work once who was truly concerned about her husband’s smoking. She told me that she had finally gotten him to agree to limit his smoking at home to only those times when they had finished making love.

    She had gotten the idea from a classic movie they had both seen on TV called “Cold Turkey.”

    After about a week, I asked her how it was going.

    “Well, not too bad,” she said, getting up off of a pillow she had in her chair and limping towards the photocopy machine.

    “I’ve gotten him down to about a pack a night now.”

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