Topic: religion

Religion jokes, holy weirdness, questionable miracles, and sacred-adjacent punchlines from the part of the internet that definitely heard the thunder.

  • A Survivor in Heaven

    A survivor of the Holocaust dies and goes to heaven, whereupon they are met by God.

    “Welcome!” says God. “What’s the news from Earth?”

    “Well,” says the survivor, “I learned a funny joke. Want to hear it?”

    “Sure,” says God.

    The survivor starts telling the joke. “Okay, so one day Hitler announces, ‘I’m going to kill 6 million Jews and 1 clown.’”

    “Wait,” says God, “Why 1 clown?”

    “Aha! See? No one cares about the Jews!”

    There’s a beat. God realizes that was the punchline.

    God is not amused. “I don’t find Holocaust jokes very funny.”

    “Ah, well, I guess you had to be there.”

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  • Stop Fucking My Ass

    A priest and a voluptuous young woman were alone at the church.

    “Ohhh, Father!” whispered the woman into his ear. “Don’t you just wanna come and fuck my pussy?”

    “Good heavens, my child, no!” cried the horrified priest. “Always remember: God gave you your womanhood solely for you to bear children with a man who’s your husband.”

    “Fine, Father,” said the woman. “Then what about if I give you a blowjob instead?”

    “Lord have mercy, my child!” exclaimed the priest. “Don’t you know that your mouth should always be holy and only be used to pray and worship the Lord?”

    “You’re right, Father,” conceded the young woman. “So maybe I can give you a handjob?”

    “I wouldn’t dream of defiling you like that, child,” admonished the priest. “Your hands were given to you by God so you could accomplish His good works. They should never be used for filthy deeds.”

    Then the woman finally lost her patience:

    “ALRIGHT THEN, FATHER!! Then just stop fucking my ass, ’cause it’s hurting me a lot!”

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  • My Psalms Are Sweaty

    My Psalms Are Sweaty

    My psalms are sweaty
    knees weak, cross is heavy

    last supper is ready
    it’s lord’s spaghetti

  • Jesus Says Your Mom’s a Whore

    Jesus Says Your Mom’s a Whore

    Jesus says your mom’s a whore!

  • Trumpets

    Trumpets

    John: *writes Revelations* Lord, the End is signaled by trumpets?

    God: No, Trump/Pence

    John: Right. Trumpets.

    God: Fine. They’ll know.

  • Priests Gone Wild

    Priests Gone Wild

    priests gone wild

    ‘Top’ church official says gay sex within the Vatican has ‘never been worse’

    I hope they start having better sex, what a shame

  • Walking Home From the Local in Belfast

    A man was walking home from his local in Belfast when he felt something prod in his back and a voice whisper in his ear, “Tell me. Are you Catholic or Protestant?”

    He gulped and said nothing.

    The voice angrily whispered, “Tell me! Are you Catholic or Protestant?”

    The man shat himself a little and thought, it’s fifty fifty if I live if I tell the truth or lie.

    The thing in his back was pushed harder, the voice now much louder, “Tell me! Are you Catholic or Protestant!?”

    In a very quiet voice the man says, “I’m a Jewish boy” and the voice behind him says, “I must be the luckiest Arab in Belfast tonight!”

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  • Why Did You Make Her So Stupid

    One day, God asked Adam how things were going with Eve…

    Adam: Pretty good, I guess.

    God: You seem to be holding back. Do you have any questions?

    Adam: Well, why did you make her so much more beautiful than me?

    God: So you would enjoy looking at her.

    Adam: And why did you make her skin so much softer than mine?

    God: So you would enjoy touching her.

    Adam: And why did you make her smell so much better than me?

    God: So you would want to be around her all the time. You see, Adam, I made Eve just for you, to make you happy.

    Adam: Then why did you make her so stupid?

    God: Well, Adam, if I had made her any smarter, she never would have slept with a guy like you.

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  • Shit Happens According to Religion

    Taoism — Shit happens.

    Buddhism — If shit happens, it’s not really shit.

    Islam — If shit happens, it’s the will of Allah.

    Protestantism — Shit happens because you don’t work hard enough.

    Judaism — Why does this shit always happen to us?

    Hinduism — This shit happened before.

    Catholicism — Shit happens because you’re bad.

    Hare Krishna — Shit happens rama rama.

    T.V. Evangelism — Send more shit.

    Atheism — No shit.

    Jehovah’s Witness — Knock knock, shit happens.

    Hedonism — There’s nothing like a good shit happening.

    Christian Science — Shit happens in your mind.

    Agnosticism — Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn’t.

    Rastafarianism — Let’s smoke this shit.

    Existentialism — What is shit anyway?

    Stoicism — This shit doesn’t bother me.

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  • Can I Have One of That Too

    A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

    After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

    The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”

    The Irishman, holding his drink tight, looked at the attendant and said, “Can I have one of that too.”

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