Topic: religion

Religion jokes, holy weirdness, questionable miracles, and sacred-adjacent punchlines from the part of the internet that definitely heard the thunder.

  • I Stepped on a Duck

    Three women got into a car accident. They all died. When they got to the gates of heaven, a saint stopped them and said, “There is only one rule in heaven – don’t step on the holy ducks.” They nodded and the saint let them through. Entering heaven, to their surprise, there were ducks everywhere.

    “Holy duck!” one of them exclaimed.

    They all tried their best not to step on one, but the number of ducks was unreal. Two days later, one of them stepped on a duck. The same saint appeared, bringing along the ugliest man that her eyes had witnessed. The saint said, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is being tied to this man for the rest of eternity,” and walked away.

    Two weeks later, a second woman also stepped on a duck. The same saint appeared and she got the same punishment.

    The remaining one, seeing the fates of her friends, got super careful. She managed to go months without stepping on one. Then one day, the saint appeared again, bringing with him the most beautiful man describable, and tied them together without saying anything and left.

    The woman was staring at her new man. The man said, “What?”

    The woman said, “I wonder what I did to deserve being tied to such a handsome man.”

    The man sighed and replied, “Well, I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”

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  • Its Dark in Here Isnt It

    A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.

    Inside the closet, the little boy says, “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?” “Yes it is,” the man replies.

    “You wanna buy a baseball?” the little boy asks. “No thanks,” the man replies.

    “I think you do want to buy a baseball,” the little extortionist continues. “OK. How much?” the man replies after considering the position he is in. “Twenty-five dollars,” the little boy replies. “TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!” the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

    The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy. “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?” the boy starts off.

    “Yes it is,” replies the man.

    “Wanna buy a baseball glove?” the little boy asks.

    “OK. How much?” the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage. “Fifty dollars,” the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

    The next weekend, the little boy’s father says, “Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we’ll play some catch.”

    “I can’t. I sold them,” replies the little boy.

    “How much did you get for them?” asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

    “Seventy-five dollars,” the little boy says.

    “SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That’s thievery! I’m taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness,” the father explains as he hauls the child away.

    At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says, “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?”

    “Don’t you start that shit in here now,” the priest says.

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  • The Second Coming

    A Catholic girl goes into confession and says to the priest, “I’m pregnant.”

    He asks, “How did this happen, my child?”

    She says, “I think it must be the second coming.”

    The priest, shocked by this reply, asks, “What makes you think it is the second coming?”

    She replies, “Because I swallowed the first one!”

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  • The Pope as His Chauffeur

    While visiting the United States, the Pope tells his limo driver that he suddenly has the urge to drive.

    The driver, being a devoted Catholic, would never dream of refusing the Pope, so he climbs into the back seat while the Pope takes the wheel.

    They’re cruising down the highway at nearly 80 mph when a police officer spots them and pulls them over.

    The officer radios headquarters:

    “Chief, I’ve pulled over a limo with a very important VIP inside.”

    The chief asks, “Who is it? The mayor?”

    “No, someone more important.”

    “The governor?”

    “More important.”

    “The President?!”

    “No, even more important.”

    Now irritated, the chief says, “Who could possibly be more important than the President?”

    The policeman calmly whispered, “I’ll put it to you this way, Chief… I don’t know who this guy is, but he’s got the Pope as his chauffeur.”

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  • The Frat Bro and the Nuns

    Two frat bros are walking along when they see a group of nuns walking up the opposite side of the street.

    After a little bit of a ruckus, one of the young men runs across the road and approaches the nuns.

    “Excuse me, are you the head nun?” he asks the lead nun sheepishly.

    “Yes, my son. I am the Mother Superior of the convent. What can I do for you?” she replies with a curious grin.

    “Well ma’am, I have a strange question. But, umm, are any of your nuns midgets?” he spits out. Seeing her shocked face, he continues. “You know, maybe a dwarf, pygmy, something like that?”

    “My son,” she calmly states, “we would welcome anyone into our convent, regardless of stature. But no, we currently have no sisters that are little people.”

    And with that the frat bro turns to his buddy, who is still on the other side of the road, and hollers, “Hey Gary, I told you ya fucked a penguin last night!”

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  • No Internet in the Confession Box

    A man enters a confession box at late night.

    “Father, I’ve sinned. I watch pornography 12 hours a day.”

    The priest asks, “12 hours? How is that even possible?”

    The man says, “Easy. Four hours in the morning, four in the evening, four at night.”

    The priest asks, “Did you watch 12 hours today too?”

    The man replies, “No, only 11 hours and 55 minutes.”

    The priest asks, “Why is that?”

    The man replies, “Because there is no Internet in the confession box.”

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  • Results in Heaven

    A cab driver reaches the pearly gates.

    St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven.

    Next in line is a preacher.

    St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow, and says, “OK, we’ll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff.”

    The preacher is shocked and replies, “But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!”

    St. Peter responds matter-of-factly:

    “This is Heaven, and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed.”

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  • Seven Lemons for the Smirk

    A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest, “Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night.”

    The priest is silent for a moment, then says, “Go home and cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp.”

    “And I’ll be forgiven?” asks the man.

    “No,” replies the priest, “but it will wipe that smirk off your face.”

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  • Dear Lord Look Away For 2 Minutes

    Dear Lord Look Away For 2 Minutes

  • Reverse Exorcism

    Reverse Exorcism