Topic: religion

Religion jokes, holy weirdness, questionable miracles, and sacred-adjacent punchlines from the part of the internet that definitely heard the thunder.

  • Who’s Going to Believe Him

    A priest wakes up one Sunday morning to absolutely perfect golfing weather. After weeks of rain and wind, the sky is clear, the sun is shining, and there’s just the slightest breeze.

    But of course… it’s Sunday. He’s supposed to lead the service.

    On impulse, he decides to play hooky. He calls the other priest in the parish and says, “I’m not feeling well. Can you take the service today?”

    As soon as he hears the church bells ring, he sneaks out to the golf course. Nobody will see him — everyone is in church.

    Up in heaven, God and St. Peter are watching. St. Peter is outraged.

    “Lord, what are you going to do about this? He skipped church… to golf!”

    God just smiles.

    The priest steps up to the first tee, swings, and — hole in one. He’s stunned. At the second hole, he swings again — another hole in one. The ball barely touches the grass.

    St. Peter throws up his hands. “I saw that! The breeze changed right at the last second. That was YOU!”

    God still says nothing.

    At the next hole, the priest hits a terrible shot. The ball flies into the trees, hits a branch, rebounds, lands on the green, rolls in a perfect curve to the cup… circles it… rolls away… then slowly rolls BACK… and drops right in.

    St. Peter is beside himself. “Lord! He’s having the best golf game of his entire life! This is punishment?”

    God finally answers, “Tell me, Peter… who’s he going to tell? And if he does — who’s going to believe him?”

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  • I Thought I Finally Found a Friend

    A priest is walking in the park heading towards his church, when he suddenly hears a man shout, “Man, I sure do love minors!”

    The priest turns around in shock and looks at the man who is talking on his phone. “Yeah! I mean you wouldn’t expect it, but they really know what they’re doing down there! They’re great at handling business!”

    The priest’s eyes widen in shock. He starts walking towards the man and is about to say something when the man goes, “Honestly dude, they deserve every penny of their salary! My company would go bankrupt if it wasn’t for those miners!”

    The priest stops, turns around and continues towards his church. At the church, the priest is visibly upset. One of the nuns finally asks him what the problem is, and the priest explains the whole story and how he misjudged the man.

    At the end, with tears in his eyes, the priest goes, “You know, I thought I finally had found a friend!”

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  • Little Johnny and the Pastor

    Little Johnny was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.

    As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, “Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?”

    The little boy replied, “Sure! Just go straight down this street a couple of blocks and turn to your right.”

    The man thanked the boy kindly and said, “I’m the new pastor in town. I’d like for you to come to church on Sunday — I’ll show you how to get to Heaven.”

    Little Johnny replied with a chuckle, “You’re bullshitting me, right? You don’t even know the way to the Post Office!”

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  • The Cabbie and the Preacher at the Pearly Gates

    A cab driver dies and reaches the Pearly Gates.

    St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven.

    Next in line is a preacher.

    St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow, and says, “OK, we’ll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff.”

    The preacher is shocked.

    “But I am a man of the cloth! You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!”

    St. Peter responds matter-of-factly:

    “This is Heaven, and up here we’re interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed.”

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  • The Three Nuns at the Pearly Gates

    Three nuns on a monthly trip to the city to sell goods from the convent’s garden got hit by a drunk driver and killed. They all went to heaven where they were met by St. Peter at the gate.

    St. Peter, seeing that they were nuns, told them, “Well, ladies, seeing that you are all religious types, we’ll have to administer a little admissions test before letting you in. Nothing to worry about. Only one question.”

    St. Peter asks the first nun, “OK, your question is: Who was the first man on earth?”

    The nun replies, “Oh, that’s easy. It was Adam.”

    Lights flash. Horns blow. The gates open wide and she was let in.

    St. Peter then asks the second nun, “OK, your question is: Who was the first woman on earth?”

    The nun replies, “Oh, that’s easy. It was Eve.”

    And again, lights flash. Horns blow. The gates open wide and she was let in.

    St. Peter then tells the third nun, “Well, you ladies are really on top of things. I’ll have to think of a more difficult question. Oh, I have it. Your question is: What was the first thing Eve said to Adam when she saw him?”

    The third nun gets a rather confused look on her face, begins scratching her head and finally replies, “Gee, that’s a hard one.”

    Lights flash. Horns blow. The gates open wide and she was let in.

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  • Adam and the Cost of a Mate

    After God created Adam, Adam came to God and said, “You created all the animals and each one has a mate, but I’m alone. Can you create me one also?”

    God replied, “Well Adam, I can create a mate for you. It will be the crown of my creation, someone who will serve you, and your every need and desire. The most beautiful and loving creature. She will take care of you always, and give you all the respect that is deserving of you. The only thing is, it will cost you an arm and a leg.”

    Adam thought for a second and said, “That’s a bit steep, what can I get for a rib?”

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  • The Dying Pastor and the Two Politicians

    An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for Joe Biden and Barack Obama to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room.

    As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling.

    For a time, no one said anything. Both Biden and Obama were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments.

    They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, Obama asked, “Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?”

    The old pastor mustered all his strength, and then said weakly, “Jesus died between two thieves… and that’s how I’d like to go.”

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  • The Priest, the Nun, and the Golf Game

    A priest and a nun are playing golf when the priest badly misses his shot, leaving himself blocked by trees and in deep rough.

    Frustrated, the priest grumbles, “Fuck I missed.”

    The nun, taken aback, says to the priest, “Father, you are a man of the cloth. You shouldn’t speak that way.”

    Annoyed, the priest brushes off the nun and tries to recover with his next shot rather than punching the ball back into the fairway. He takes a big swing, makes great contact, and almost succeeds with the high-risk shot, but winds up short and deeply embedded in the sand trap. Immediately, he exclaims even louder, “Fuck I missed!”

    This time the nun isn’t having it, so she turns to him and says, “Father, if you continue to speak like that, may God strike you down!”

    The priest brushes it off again with a “Yeah, sure, whatever,” and proceeds to try to blast the ball out of the sand trap but barely moves it a few inches, this time shouting, “Fuck I missed!”

    Almost immediately the sky darkens and clouds roll in. A low rumble builds and a thick bolt of lightning comes crashing from the sky, vaporizing the nun right where she stands!

    Then a deep voice from the clouds exclaims, “FUCK… I missed!”

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  • The Catholic Dog

    A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he had for a long time.

    The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying, “Father, my dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?”

    Father Patrick told the farmer, “No, we can’t have services for an animal in the church, but I’ll tell you what, there’s a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they’ll do something for the animal.”

    Muldoon said, “I’ll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?”

    Father Patrick replied, “Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic?”

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  • The Boy Who Didnt Know How to Pray

    At dinner, a little boy was asked to lead the prayer. “But I don’t know how to pray,” he replied.

    “Just pray for your family members, friends, neighbors, the poor, etc.” “Okay,” stuttered the boy.

    “Dear Lord, Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won’t come again.

    Forgive our neighbor’s son who removed my sister’s clothes and wrestled with her on her bed.

    This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy’s iPhone…

    And provide shelter for the homeless men who visit Mom’s room when Daddy is at work. Amen.”

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