Topic: religion

Religion jokes, holy weirdness, questionable miracles, and sacred-adjacent punchlines from the part of the internet that definitely heard the thunder.

  • Which One Sir the 8:30 or the 10:30

    One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, “Good morning son.”

    “Good morning pastor” replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque.

    “Sir, what is this?” Johnny asked.

    “Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service”, replied the pastor.

    Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque. Little Johnny’s voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, “Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?”

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  • Walter Summerford Lightning

    Walter Summerford Lightning

    A man named Walter Summerford was struck by lightening 3 times in his life. After his death, his gravestone was also struck.

    Jesus Christ!

    FUCK THAT GUY

  • Jew In Oven

    Jew In Oven

    Carryout Orders:

    76 LINDSEY – Now – Ready

    78 MARTIN SCHMIDT – Now – Ready

    79 LYNN MURRAY – Now – Ready

    81 JEW – 4 minutes – In Oven

  • Is That All You People Think About

    Two elderly Jewish men are strolling down the street one day, when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, “Convert to Catholicism and get $50.”

    Murray stops and stares at the sign. Abe turns to him and says, “Murray, what’s going on?”

    “Abe,” replies Murray, “I’m thinking of doing it.”

    Abe says, “What are you, crazy?”

    Murray thinks for a minute and says, “Abe, I’m going to do it.”

    With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed.

    “So,” asks Abe, “did you convert?”

    “Yes I did,” says Murray.

    “Did you get your fifty dollars?” asks Abe.

    And Murray says, “Is that all you people think about?”

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  • Our Prayers Have Been Answered

    A lady approaches a priest and tells him, “Father, l have a problem.

    I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

    “What do they say?” the priest inquired.

    “They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”

    “That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but l have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and l will put them in with my two male parrots who l taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to worship.”

    “Thank you!” the woman responded. So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. The priest’s two parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

    The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, “Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?” One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the bibles away. Our prayers have been answered!”

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  • Lords Spaghetti

    Lords Spaghetti

    My psalms are sweaty knees weak, cross is heavy

    last supper is ready it’s lord’s spaghetti

  • Joel Osteen Phrasing

    Joel Osteen Phrasing

    Do not swallow anything Satan is trying to ram down your throat. Jesus comes first. – Joel Osteen

    HOLY SHIT, JOEL!

    PHRASING!!

  • Jehovah Witness Working From Home

    Jehovah Witness Working From Home

    IF YOU GET AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT “KNOCK KNOCK”

    DON’T OPEN IT

    IT’S A JEHOVAH WITNESS WORKING FROM HOME

  • I’m Telling EVERYBODY!

    A man walks into a confessional.

    “Father, forgive me, for I have sinned. I am 75 years old, and I’ve recently started dating a 25-year-old woman. She’s drop dead gorgeous, loves sex, and is unbelievable in bed. We have sex at least three or four times a day, and each time, I make her scream like a banshee.”

    “Oh my! This is indeed a sin. As penance, you must say five Hail Marys and five Our Fathers every day for the next week.”

    “What? I can’t do that, I’m Jewish!”

    “You’re Jewish? Then why are you telling ME?”

    “I’m telling EVERYBODY!”

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  • Four Months Vacation and Five Good Leads

    A guy at confession says to the priest: “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.”

    The priest asks, “Is that you, little Joey Pagano?”

    “Yes, Father, it is.”

    “And who was the girl you were with?”

    “I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”

    “Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?”

    “I cannot say.”

    “Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?”

    “I’ll never tell.”

    “Was it Nina Capelli?”

    “I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”

    “Was it Cathy Piriano?”

    “My lips are sealed.”

    “Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?”

    “Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”

    The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.”

    Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”

    “Four months vacation and five good leads!”

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