Anecdotal joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
A primary school teacher said to a lady, “Madam, I’m sorry to tell you that in class, your son is copying from his classmate.”
The lady asks, “Why do you say that?”
The teacher replies, “Well, he and his neighbor make the same mistakes.”
The lady says, “Ah, but it may be his classmate is copying from him!”
The teacher replies, “No, because on an assignment they were asked where the island of Montreal is. His classmate wrote, ‘I don’t know,’ and your son wrote, ‘Me neither.’”
Wife approaches her husband while he is reading a book.
“Promise me you won’t get mad,” the wife whispered, her eyes fixed on the floor.
Her husband looked up from his book. “I promise. What’s going on?”
“And you won’t hit me?” she pressed.
The husband laughed, pulled her close, and said, “I have never laid a hand on you and I never will. You can tell me anything.”
She closed her eyes and braced herself for a slap. “I’m pregnant.”
“That’s incredible news!” Husband shouted, over the moon. “Why would you think I’d be angry about that?”
Wife wiped her brow and said, “I guess I’m just traumatized. Because when I told my mom the same thing in the 9th grade, she nearly killed me.”
A truck driver and his pet parrot were hauling a load of chickens. He stopped to pick up an attractive hitchhiker, swung the door open and asked, “You want a lift?”
“Yes, thank you!” she said and started to climb in when the parrot exclaimed, “Wanna fuck?”
“No!” she answered and the parrot screeched, “No fuck no ride!” and fluttered like crazy, scaring the hitchhiker off.
The truck driver was appalled and told the parrot he should be ashamed of himself and not to let it happen again. The parrot squawked his call of agreement and nodded his head.
Further down the road they happened upon another hitchhiker – this time a musician with a guitar on his back.
The trucker stopped, swung the door open and said, “Howdy, stranger! That sure is a nice guitar. Need a lift?”
“Sure do, thanks, mister,” he answered but once again the parrot screeched, “Wanna fuck? No fuck no ride!” and the trucker sped off, embarrassed and furious at his parrot.
“Damn it, bird! What did I say about this earlier? If you pull that stunt one more time I’m gonna throw you in the back with the chickens!” The parrot squawked, “All right, all right, not again.”
Several miles down the road they saw another hitchhiker and the trucker gave the parrot a stern look but the parrot did the same thing all over again and the trucker had finally had enough.
He threw the parrot in the back with the chickens, convinced the hitchhiker it was all a misunderstanding and to accept his offer for a ride and had a pleasant conversation as they headed down the road.
Just before they reached the next town the trucker noticed a police car, lights on and siren wailing, pulling up beside him and ordering him to pull over.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?” the trucker asked. “I wasn’t speeding, I have all my numbers and my load is secure.”
The trooper yelled, “Secure load? You have a 12-mile trail of chickens being chucked out the back by a parrot yelling ‘No Fuck, No Ride!’”
A dizzy blonde decided she wanted to be a police detective. She visited her local police station to apply for a job and approached the desk sergeant.
The officer decided to have some fun and asked her a few questions.
“First, what’s a silver dollar made of?”
She thought for a moment before answering, “Um… Silver?”
“Good. Now, what color is a New York taxi?”
“Erm… Yellow, I think?”
“Very good,” said the officer. “Now, a more difficult one – who killed John F. Kennedy?”
She scratched her head and thought for a minute before saying, “I’m sorry, I don’t know.”
The officer said, “Go home, think about it some more, and come back tomorrow.”
That night, she called her friend, who asked if she got the job.
She said, “Not only did I get the job… I’m already working on a murder case.”
A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh, right up just below her bikini line…
She also wants him to put “Happy Thanksgiving” under the turkey.
So the guy does it, and it comes out looking really good.
The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Claus with “Merry Christmas” up on her left thigh.
So the guy does it, and it comes out looking good, too.
As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, “If you don’t mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?”
She says, “I’m sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there’s nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.”
One afternoon Tommy was playing in the backyard when he smacked a buzzing honeybee with a stick.
His dad saw it and said, “Tommy! That’s not nice. Because of that, you’re not getting any honey for a whole month!”
A little later, Dad walked outside again and caught Tommy pulling the wings off a butterfly.
“Well, that does it,” his dad said. “No butter for you for a month either!”
That evening, Tommy’s mom was making dinner in the kitchen when a cockroach suddenly ran across the floor. She shrieked, grabbed her slipper, and squashed it flat.
She turned around and noticed Tommy and his dad staring at her.
Tommy looked up at his father and said, “Well, Dad… are you going to explain it to her, or should I?”
A blind man travels to Texas and checks into a hotel.
When he gets to his room, he feels around and runs his hand across the bed.
“Good grief, this bed is huge!” he says.
The bellhop chuckles and replies, “Sir, everything’s bigger in Texas.”
Later that evening, the man heads down to the hotel bar.
He climbs onto a tall barstool and orders a beer.
The bartender sets a giant mug in front of him.
The man feels around the glass and says, “Wow, this drink is enormous!”
The bartender laughs and says, “Well sir, everything’s bigger in Texas.”
After a few beers, the man asks where the restroom is.
The bartender says, “Second door on the right.”
The man heads down the hallway but accidentally walks into the third door instead.
Unfortunately, that door leads straight to the hotel swimming pool.
He falls in with a big splash.
A moment later he pops his head above the water, waving his arms wildly and shouting:
“DON’T FLUSH! DON’T FLUSH!”
When I was getting my physical, at one point the doctor told me I’d feel a small prick.
Definitely the last thing you want to hear before a prostate exam.
An old woman goes to the newspaper office after her husband died.
She says to the person at the front desk that she needs to get an obituary published for her husband.
She gets brought into an office and is asked what she wants the obituary to say.
The woman thinks and says, “Fred Smith died.”
The reporter looks at her and says, “Ma’am, you can have it say more than that if you want.”
So the little old lady thinks for a second and says, “Fred Smith died. Boat for sale.”
Jack and John went camping. After setting up their tent and relaxing for a while, it got dark and suddenly they were surrounded by mosquitoes. So they quickly got inside the tent and hid under the blanket.
After some time, Jack decided to peek outside. He lifted the blanket and slightly opened the tent door, only to see a bunch of fireflies glowing outside.
He immediately jumped back under the blanket and whispered to John:
“Don’t go out… they’re looking for us with lanterns.”
