Comparative joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
He was so blonde that…
– he spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said “concentrate”
– he thought 2Pac Shakur was a Jewish holiday
– if you gave him a penny for intelligence, you’d get change back
– under “education” on his job application, he put “Hooked On Phonics”
– it takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes
– he studied for a blood test – and failed
– he thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center
– he sold the car for gas money
– when he saw the “NC-17” (under 17 not admitted), he went home and got 16 friends
– he thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Phone Company
– when he was on the highway going to the airport and saw a sign that said “Airport Left”, he turned around and went home
The Top 17 Ideas for a Movie Sequel
17. The Leggo Movie: Emmett’s new career has him tackling the adventurous world of frozen waffles.
16. Ei8ht: John Doe has escaped from jail and this Christmas will embody ALL the deadly sins unless Detectives Mills and Somerset can stop him before he murders Santa’s reindeer.
15. Three Angry Alternates: Tempers rise after Jack, Bill and Ted are told that since they were not seated on the jury, they won’t be paid.
14. Finding Bevo: The beloved University of Texas Longhorn Mascot vanishes at the stadium while his handlers are doing Jell-O shots.
13. Aunt-Man: Paul Rudd becomes a superhero for the second time when he’s bitten by his mom’s radioactive sister.
12. Bridget Jones’s Colonoscopy: For those who can’t get enough of Renee Zellweger, this oughtta do it.
11. Anti-Gravity: With the 2016 presidential election spinning out of control, Dr. Ryan Stone (Sandra Bullock) frantically tries to escape back into space.
10. Every Which Way But Loose Change: Clint Eastwood investigates 9/11 with the help of an empty chair and a monkey.
9. Jaws 5: A large man-eating shark water skis over a pool of sharks.
8. Groundhog Dayja Vu: Now that he’s been married a while, weatherman Phil Connors is horrified when day after day, he wakes up every morning to find the same woman in his bed.
7. Given: Liam Neeson gives exactly zero shits when kidnappers tell him they have his former mother-in-law, but he’s still totally badass about it.
6. The Avatar 3: Blue Man Group: Three Na’vi move to Earth, where the atmosphere renders them mute and they’re forced to earn a living as mimes.
5. Nightmare on Pennsylvania Avenue: During election season, a scandal-plagued woman is locked in a TV studio for 90 minutes with an orange-skinned madman as they struggle for control of a mansion in Washington.
4. Leonard Part 7: Prominent women are mysteriously falling into comas and private dick Bill Cosby is on the case.
3. The Waterboard Boy: After being mistaken for a terrorist, Adam Sandler is sent to Guantanamo Bay and brutally tortured to the delight of audiences everywhere.
2. Lawrence of Arabica: While writing his screenplay at Starbucks, Larry falls asleep at his typewriter and dreams he’s on an adventure in the Arabian Desert, only to be awakened by a rude barista telling him his snoring is annoying.
And the Number One Idea for a Movie Sequel…
1. Sully 2: Payback on the Hudson: Geese seek revenge against the cowardly pilot who brutally attacked their flock with his flying death machine.
Types of men…
Joe Sensitive – “After I wash the dishes, let’s cuddle, OK?”
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy
Old Man Grumpus – “People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let’s stay home and watch TV.”
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass
Flinchy – “I–I’m sorry for whatever it was I did.”
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle
Bigfoot – “Shut yer trap, I’m thinkin’.”
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big ‘n’ Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig
Lazybones – “Zzzzzz”
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams
The Sneak – “Who, me?”
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life
Ace of Hearts – “After I wash the dishes let’s make love like crazed weasels, OK?”
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused
The Dreamer – “Someday I’m going to be rich and famous. I don’t know how, but…”
Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into “Old Man Grumpus”
Mr. Right – “While the servants wash the dishes, let’s make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?”
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman’s prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction
A man and woman are having a relationship for about 4 months now. One Friday night, they meet at a bar after work. They stay for a few, then go get some food at a local restaurant near their respective homes. They eat, then go back to his house and she stays over.
Her story:
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar last night, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late, but he didn’t say anything much about it. The conversation was slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. So we went to this restaurant and he is still acting a bit funny and I am trying to cheer him up and I start to wonder if it is me or something else. I ask him and he says no. But you know I am not really sure.
Anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don’t know what the hell this means because you know he doesn’t say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I am wondering if he is going to dump me. So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV.
Reluctantly, I say I am going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I don’t know, I just don’t know, what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he’s met someone else????
His story:
Lousy day at work, low on funds, and tired. Got some lovin’ though.
How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
Four — one to actually change it and three friends to brag to about how he screwed it.
The tourist had lost his way on a back road and stopped at the farmhouse to ask if he could be put up for the night.
“Well, we’re a mite crowded, since there’s already someone in the spare room,” replied the farmer. “But I guess you can stay if you don’t mind sharing the bed with a red haired schoolteacher.”
“Look,” said the tourist, “I want you to know I’m a gentleman.”
“Well,” mused the farmer, “as far as I can tell, so is the red haired schoolteacher.”
The Perfect Day According to Him and Her
THE PERFECT DAY ACCORDING TO HER
8:45 WAKE UP TO HUGS AND KISSES
9:00 3 KILOS LIGHTER ON THE SCALES
9:30 LIGHT BREAKFAST
11:00 SUNBATHE
12:30 LUNCH WITH BEST FRIEND AT OUTDOOR CAFE
1:45 SHOPPING
2:20 RUN INTO BOYFRIEND’S/HUSBAND’S EX — NOTICE SHE HAS GAINED 20LBS
3:00 FACIAL, MASSAGE, NAP
7:30 CANDLELIGHT DINNER FOR TWO AND DANCING
10:00 MAKE LOVE
11:30 PILLOW TALK IN HIS BIG STRONG ARMS
THE PERFECT DAY ACCORDING TO HIM
10:00 WAKE UP
10:02 ORAL SEX
10:10 BIG COOKED BREAKFAST
11:30 DRIVE UP THE COAST IN FERRARI WITH GORGEOUS BABE WITH BIG HOOTERS
2:15 ENORMOUS LUNCH
3:15 ORAL SEX WITH GORGEOUS BABE WITH BIG HOOTERS
3:25 PLAY SPORTS WITH THE GUYS
4:30 DRINK BEER WITH THE GUYS
6:30 MEET ELLE MACPHERSON
6:40 ORAL SEX WITH ELLE MACPHERSON
6:50 HUGE DINNER, MORE BEER
8:00 USE ALL COMPONENTS OF HOME ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM MAKING SURE ALL THE REMOTES WORK
11:00 FULL ON, GET DOWN, GORILLA SEX WITH EITHER ELLE MACPHERSON, GORGEOUS BABE WITH BIG HOOTERS OR BOTH
11:10 SLEEP
Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.
How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren’t affectionate out of bed.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why don’t men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.
How does a man show he’s planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don’t talk.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he’s God’s gift?
Exchange him.
Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don’t work half the time.
What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don’t have eyes.
How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.
What’s the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken, and the ones that are left are handicapped.
How do you get a man to do situps?
Glue the TV remote between his ankles…
What kind of clothes are there?
Women: clean & dirty
Men: Clean, almost clean, sorta clean, not bad, dirty, really dirty, nasty, biohazard. (Men will voluntarily wear all but the last classification of these clothes.)
Why do Black Widow spiders kill their mates after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about was legs, breasts and thighs…
How is being at the singles bar different from being at the circus?
At the circus the clowns don’t talk…
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it’s getting interesting they are finished until next time…
What do men have in common with toilet bowls, anniversaries, and clitorises?
They miss them all.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What’s the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.
What’s the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can’t stand criticism.
I went to the County Fair. They had one of those “Believe it or not?” shows. They had a man born with a penis and a brain.
What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man’s undivided attention.
How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don’t know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get, or how long it’ll stay.
Did you hear about the banker who’s a great lover?
He knows first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep from grazing.
Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends!
Did you hear the one about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.
Why do men like masturbation?
It’s sex with someone they love.
What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.
Husband: I don’t know why you wear a bra, you’ve got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs don’t you?
What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.
What is a man’s view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
