Dialogue joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
A little girl was out with her grandmother when they came across two dogs mating on the sidewalk.
“What are they doing?” asked the girl. The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said: “The dog on top hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying it to the doctor.”
The girl thought for a moment, and then said: “They are just like people, aren’t they?”
“What do you mean?” asked Grandma.
“Offer someone a helping hand,” said the girl, “and they will fuck you every time.”
A woman is pet-sitting a pair of dogs, one male and one female. In the middle of the night she awakens to a loud commotion.
The female had gone into heat and the male was trying to mate with her. She couldn’t get them apart and was terrified.
She called the local veterinarian and explained what was going on.
The vet suggested, “Take your phone and place it near the dogs. I’ll ring your phone and the ringing sound will distract the male, causing him to lose his erection. Then you will be able to separate them easily.”
“Are you sure it will work?”
“It just worked on me!”
Two dogs are sitting in the waiting room of the veterinary office, reading their doggie magazines.
The first dog turns to the second. “So what are you here for?” the first dog asks.
“Well, you know how it is, being alone all day in a house?”
“I suppose so…”
“Let me tell you. When my owner comes home, I’m so excited to see her that I start humping the coffee table. She pulls me off, so I start humping the couch. She pulls me off, so I start humping my chew toy. So she brought me here to have me fixed.”
“Oh, I see…”
They go back to reading their doggie magazines.
After a while, the second dog turns to the first. “So what are you here for?”
“When my owner comes home, I’m so excited to see her that I start humping the coffee table. She pulls me off, so I start humping the couch. She pulls me off, I’m so excited that I start humping HER.”
“So, you’re here to get fixed too?”
“Nah, I’m here to get my nails clipped.”
Three mothers are boasting about what their babies will be when they grow up.
The first says, “Mine will be a doctor. Look how closely he examines his fingers!”
The second says, “Mine will be an engineer. Look how closely he examines his rattle!”
The third says, “Mine will be President. He’s just shit himself!”
Having recently lost my job, I have been volunteering my spare time up at the local child cancer ward and in doing so have become good friends with a young 10-year-old boy called Jimmy. I sit with him and hold his hand as he has his chemotherapy, take him to the movies when he is feeling well enough, and what little spare money I have, I spend on toys for him.
Today he asked me, “Will you still come to visit me when I leave the hospital?”
“Not a chance,” I replied. “I fucking hate cemeteries.”
A guy was walking to a bar, and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks. He untied her and they had sex.
He gets to the bar. Friends ask why he’s so late. He tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in.
Friends give him props and ask if he got head. The guy replies, “I couldn’t find it.”
A woman is at the top of a cliff working up the nerve to jump to her death when a smelly homeless person walks up and says, “Hey lady, if you are going to jump, why don’t we have sex first?”
She yells, “No! Get away from me!”
So the homeless guy says, “Fine! I’ll just wait at the bottom.”
A young cowboy walked into a seedy cafe in a small town in West Texas. He sat down at the counter and noticed an older cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a bowl of chili.
After about 15 minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked, “If you ain’t goin’ to eat that, do ya mind if I do?”
The older cowboy slowly turned his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner said, “Nah. Go ahead.”
Eagerly, the young cowboy reached over and slid the bowl over to his place and started spooning it in with delight. He got nearly down to the bottom before noticing a rotten dead rat in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately upchucked the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly said, “Yep, that’s as far as I got, too…”
