Dialogue joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
A friend of mine came up to me at the golf course with a ball that he said was impossible to lose. I asked him to explain.
“Well,” explained my friend, “it has a chip in it, so if you lose it, you can find it with your phone. If you hit it in the water, it floats up to the surface and can get to the side using a tiny engine inside the ball.”
“Wow, that’s amazing! Where did you get this ball?”
“Found it!”
I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+-year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double. ‘What’s that?’ I asked. ‘It’s a mother-and-daughter threesome,’ she said.
As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, ‘No, I haven’t.’
We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, ‘Tonight’s your lucky night.’ We went back to her place.
We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs, ‘Mom… you still awake?’
A woman decides she wants to get a tattoo of Elvis on her inner thigh. She goes to a local parlor but is really dissatisfied with the resulting portrait. So, the guy goes ahead and tries again on her other thigh. Again, she’s not satisfied with the results.
“Look, lady,” he says, “I’m sorry you’re not happy, but there’s nothing wrong with the art I did. You need to pay up.”
“No way,” she says. “Neither of them look like the King of Rock and Roll. I’m not paying you a cent.”
They bicker about it for a bit and decide to get a third opinion. The next guy who walks past the shop gets corralled in by the artist. The lady hikes up her skirt and says, “Okay, do you recognize those faces?”
The guy takes a long look, then replies, “Well, I don’t know about those other dudes, but the guy in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!”
A farmer has two bulls and lots of cows, but both bulls are too old to mate anymore. One day, the farmer buys a third bull. The new bull is much younger and more energetic than the other two, and immediately starts mating with cow after cow.
One of the two old bulls starts huffing, snorting, and pawing the ground. “Don’t try to compete with him,” says the other old bull. “You’re too old. He’d laugh at you.”
“I’m not trying to compete with him,” says the first old bull. “I just want him to know I’m not a cow.”
Avram needs a new milk cow, so he travels to Minsk to buy one. When he returns, he immediately sees a problem with the new cow.
Every time the bull approached and mounted the cow to mate, the cow would pull away and run to the other side of the pasture. This went on for several days.
Getting desperate and not knowing what to do, Avram contacted his rabbi for advice. He explained, “Rabbi, my new cow will not let the bull mate. Every time he tries, she runs to the other side of the pasture.”
The rabbi thinks for a moment, then asks, “Avram, did you, perhaps, get this cow in Minsk?”
“Why, yes! How could you have known that?”
There was a long pause, then the rabbi sighed, “My wife is from Minsk.”
A guy is looking for a place to sit in a college library.
He asks a girl, “Do you mind if I sit beside you?”
The girl replies in a loud voice, “I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!”
All the students turn and stare at the guy. Flushed with embarrassment, he moves to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walks quietly to the guy’s table and says with a laugh, “I study psychology, so I know what a man is thinking. Guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy then responds, also in a loud voice, “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? . . . THAT’S TOO MUCH!”
All the students are now looking at the girl in shock.
The guy whispers in her ear, “I study law, and I know how to screw people.”
Two southern ladies were sipping iced teas on a warm afternoon.
The first one wiggled her wrist and bragged, “See this tennis bracelet? My husband gave it to me just because.”
The second lady nodded and politely said, “Bless your heart.”
The first one then twirled her pearl necklace with her finger and said, “My husband gave me this for my birthday. Don’t you just love the luster?”
The second lady said, louder this time, “Bless your heart.”
The first one then said, “See this two-carat diamond ring?” Waving her hand in front of the second lady’s nose, she added, “My husband replaced my wedding ring with it because he is now so well off!”
The second lady exclaimed, “OH, BLESS YOUR HEART!”
The first lady then smugly said, “No offense, but what did your husband get you?”
The second lady replied, “He paid for me to go to charms school.”
“Oh dear, so what have you learned?” inquired the first lady condescendingly.
The second lady said, “We learned to say ‘bless your heart’ instead of ‘F*uck you!’”
A cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.
The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.
‘Do you think you could give me some tips?’ he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, ‘Well, for one thing, you’re wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.’
‘Will that make me a better gunfighter?’ asked the young man.
‘Sure will,’ replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44, and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
‘That’s terrific!’ said the hot shot. ‘Got any more tips for me?’
‘Yep,’ said the old man. ‘Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That’ll give you a smoother draw.’
‘Will that make me a better gunfighter?’ asked the younger man.
‘You bet it will,’ said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
‘Wow!’ exclaimed the cowboy. ‘I’m learnin’ somethin’ here. Got any more tips?’
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. ‘See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.’ The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
‘No,’ said the old-timer. ‘I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.’
‘Will that make me a better gunfighter?’ asked the young man.
‘No,’ said the old-timer, ‘but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, well, he’s gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won’t hurt as much.’
A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides, what the hell.
They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden, a light flashes on them. It’s a policeman.
“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.
“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop. “I didn’t know.”
“Well,” says the man, “to tell the truth, neither did I until you flashed that light on her face.”
After coming home late, my wife was furious and asked where I was. I told her I was playing poker with my friends.
She refused to talk to me, so I took her out on a long scenic drive.
Her mood eventually improved, and looking out the window, she sighed, “What a beautiful view. I wish we could spend the rest of our lives right here.”
I said, “Well, your wish just came true… because you won’t believe what happened at poker.”
