Cats aren’t so damn superior. Heck, you can easily hypnotize one by dangling a shiny object in front of its eyes and giving it tuna… giving it tuna… must give the cat some tuna….
Delivery Style: misdirection
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Mr. Insurance Duck
I’m confused by those ads where a duck is trying to sell people disability insurance by quacking, “AFLAC!” at them. If instead he just yelled, “Duck!” I bet most debilitating injuries could be avoided altogether. I’m on to your scam, Mr. Insurance Duck!
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Take Something for My Kleptomania
I thought about trying to take something for my kleptomania, but that sort of defeats the purpose, then, doesn’t it?
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Caviar and a Blowjob
What’s the difference between caviar and a blowjob?
No difference — you don’t get either of them at home!
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Elephant Trunk Size
In the elephant world, are dude elephants with longer trunks considered to be more manly? It probably doesn’t matter much, because I doubt a chick elephant can really tell the difference between a 9-foot-long trunk and an 8-foot-long one, unless it’s a G-spot-reaching difference.
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Bad Cell Phone Connection
When my wife said we were breaking up, I thought she was referring to a bad cell phone connection. Now I’m not so sure, since she hasn’t come home in three weeks — and we don’t have a cell phone.
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Gonads-First Into a Doorknob
There’s no shame in a man’s weeping; the bitter yet life-embracing tears of universal sorrow… especially when he’s just walked gonads-first into a doorknob.
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Demented Exhibitionist Guy
I bet one of the hardest parts of being a superhero is remembering which phone booth you left your clothes in. And by “superhero,” what I mean is “demented-exhibitionist-guy.”
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Firing My Slingshot at Target
The mall security dude arrested me for firing my slingshot at Target. Come on, they were asking for it!
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Yellow French’s
If Saddam Hussein ever kills me with mustard gas, I hope it’s the yellow French’s kind, and not that brown Dijon stuff. I always hated that foo-foo gourmet crap.
