[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Delivery Style: setup-punchline
Setup-punchline joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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A Gift From the Boss
the boss hands me a gun, “you know what to do.”
I nod.
outside, I frantically google:
boss gun why
how to kill
is killing ok
regift gun ok
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Churches and Essential Services
So churches are not essential… but abortion clinics ARE essential. Got it.
Yes because abortion is healthcare, glad I could clear that up for you Liz
600,000 babies a year would disagree with you
I could easily win a debate against 600,000 babies
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A Question About Blacking Out
There's no way you can get blackout drunk every night, and still be happy with your life.
Me:
Well, first of all, through God, all things are possible, so jot that down.
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A Pharmacy Cashier
as a cashier in a pharmacy i don't want people to feel uncomfortable when they buy personal products, so while they're paying i loudly ask them "Oh is this hemorrhoid cream for your Friend?" and wink at them so they know to follow my lead
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A Scientist’s Invention
Scientist: …my invention can create matter in all three forms. Gas, liquid, and solid.
My asshole:
You know, I’m something of a scientist myself
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A Question About Firsthand
Writer: "Is it 'firsthand' or 'first hand'?"
Editor: "Either one is fine."
Students get first hand job experience
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Men Who Think Ahead
Her: I really like men that think ahead.
Me: I already drank a liter of pineapple juice.
Her: What?
Me: What?
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A Radio for Sale
Yesterday I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full"
I thought, "I can’t turn that down".
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A Wish for One Day
I wish I was ugly for just one day…
cuz being ugly every day is exhausting
They had us in the first half, not gonna lie
