My wife stopped pretending to have orgasms years ago. That’s all right with me, though, because it allowed me to stop pretending that I cared.
Delivery Style: setup-punchline
Setup-punchline joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
-
A complete prick
When I first met Richard Peter Johnson, he seemed like a decent guy, but he turned out to be a complete prick.
-
Scaring the crap out of the passengers
It was in 1875 that my great-great-grandmother Elsa began appearing on stages throughout the Old West, and scaring the crap out of the passengers.
-
Help me out here
It’s really cool when you and your girlfriend finish each other’s sentences. It sucks, though, when you break up and discover you’re no longer capable of speaking in complete… uh… help me out here…
-
Before and After Marriage
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the “Y” becomes silent.
-
The Lone Ranger’s Three Wishes
The Lone Ranger is riding across the range when he gets captured by a group of Native Americans.
The tribal leader shows the Lone Ranger his deepest respect, as the Ranger is considered an honorable man. He offers the Ranger three wishes before he is to be put to death by fire.
The Ranger calls for his faithful horse, Silver, and whispers in the horse’s ear. The horse rides off into the distance and a short time later returns with a beautiful blonde riding in his saddle.
The tribal leader is impressed and offers his personal tent to the Ranger. After some time in the tent, the Ranger emerges and asks for his horse again. He whispers in the horse’s ear, and Silver darts off into the distance. This time, Silver returns with a beautiful brunette on his saddle.
The tribal leader is impressed yet again and gestures toward his tent. Once the Ranger emerges from the tent, he asks to see his horse one last time.
The Ranger slaps Silver as hard as he can and says, “Read my lips, you stupid horse! I said POSSE!”
-
Turns out that is 9:30 pm
When I was a kid, bedtime was 9:30 p.m. I couldn’t wait to be a grown-up so I could go to bed anytime I wanted.
Turns out that is 9:30 p.m.
-
The impotent couldn’t come
We recently opened a shelter for the poor, needy, and the impotent.
The poor and needy showed up, but the impotent couldn’t come.
-
Top 16 Things Overheard During Saddam’s Trial
16. “Let the record show that the defendant has entered a plea of ‘not guilty by reason of oppressive tyranny.’”
15. “Seventeen consecutive life sentences? You can do that time standing on your head, big guy. No, really.”
14. “Mr. Hussein, could you please tell the court why this goat looks at you so fondly?”
13. “Call Rumsfeld. He’ll vouch for me.”
12. “Speaking of WMDs, either we need air conditioning in this courtroom or Saddam has to quit eating prison food.”
11. “Your Honor, Mr. Hussein would like to present evidence implicating the entire state of Florida as the true architect of recent evil.”
10. “And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for those meddling kids and that dog!”
9. “In Iraq, we understand that torture obtains information, murder instills fear and respect, and attempted genocide puts down rebellions — but Zabibah and the King? A completely inexcusable offense, you vile son of a dog!”
8. “We’ll drop the charges if you’d just please tell us where a WMD is — preferably right before the election.”
7. “Word is that his name around the cell block is Shirley.”
6. “Would jurors number 7 and 12 please put down the RPGs?”
5. “Well, yes, he does kind of look like Billy Joel, now that you mention it.”
4. “He was found living in a hole and has been in prison ever since, yet he still looks healthier than Cheney.”
3. “I would never order the deaths of my fellow citizens. However, we did respond in self-defense after an epidemic of people charged our firing squads, single file.”
2. “Your Honor, the soldiers who found Mr. Hussein would like to apologize to the court for not shooting him instead.”
And Topfive.com’s number one thing overheard during Saddam’s trial…
1. “Bail is set at ‘when monkeys fly out of my butt singing show tunes.’”
-
CB Lingo 201
I would think the hardest part of truck-driving school is CB Lingo 201. You know, the second year, where everything you say in class has to be in CB.
