Delivery Style: statement

13. Supreme Court opens their new session by replacing “yea” or “nay” with “left” or “right.”

12. Donald Trump provides incontrovertible proof that he’s not a Russian spy by revealing that he’s a Chinese spy.

11. Bill already advertising for interns on Craigslist.

10. The pumpkin spice craze is a secret chemical warfare plot concocted by Donald Trump to turn the entire world orange.

9. Ronald Reagan rises from the dead, just to show that he can.

8. Hillary’s server full of e-mails advocating “grabbing Bernie by the droopy balls.”

7. Oddly enough, Disney’s Hall of Presidents attraction has had a Hillary figure ready to go since 1996.

6. Hearing a 9-year-old tell a 7-year-old his costume is culturally insensitive.

5. The press rebrands the Affordable Care Act as the Holy-Cow-Talk-About-Sticker-Shock Care Act.

4. Scientists discover that Trump’s hair is a living creature that controls the empty puppet underneath.

3. Anthony Weiner: the dick that keeps on giving.

2. E-mail discovered on Anthony Weiner’s computer reveals that his birth name was Anthony Vajayjay.

1. Not a soul has come from the future to put a stop to this madness.