I’m not sure what I ate yesterday but I just shit the LSU marching band out of my ass this morning playing “Walk the Dinosaur.”
Delivery Style: unexpected twist
-
(Kim Moser) I wonder what Mr. Rogers sounded like fucking
(Kim Moser) I wonder what Mr. Rogers sounded like fucking.
-
A friend used the term “life hack” in front of me today. No clue
A friend used the term “life hack” in front of me today. No clue what it means so I just nodded my head and said I agreed his mom is a cunt.
-
Peanut allergies can cause rash, shortness of breath, toxic
Peanut allergies can cause rash, shortness of breath, toxic shock and me calling your kid a fucking pussy.
-
I used to be flattered when gay men hit on me. But then I
I used to be flattered when gay men hit on me. But then I remembered gay men are men, too, like me. Yesterday I put my dick in a tree stump.
-
My gang name is The Toaster, cuz if you stab a fork in me, I
My gang name is The Toaster, cuz if you stab a fork in me, I will fuck you up. Also, I can lightly brown a bagel like a motherfucker.
-
You saw 9/11 coming? I gave 9/11 the handjob, and you weren’t
You saw 9/11 coming? I gave 9/11 the handjob, and you weren’t even in the room!
-
Most people don’t know Santa Claus has a half brother, Ralph
Most people don’t know Santa Claus has a half brother, Ralph Claus, who brings heart-beating-through-yourasshole hangovers on December 26th.
-
Fatherly Bubble
Nothing can burst your fatherly bubble faster than hearing your daughter come home from a date and saying, “Some nights I don’t know why I even bother to wear panties.”
