Delivery Style: unexpected twist

  • How much younger she looks

    Today I gave the hospital permission to youthanize my grandma. I can’t wait to see how much younger she looks!

  • Nothing to stop Aunt Bea and me

    I shot the sheriff and the deputy.
    Now there’s nothing to stop Aunt Bea and me from being together!

  • The Deer

    I told my daughter that I saw a deer on the way to work this morning. She asked me…

    “How do you know it was on its way to work?”

  • Helen Keller’s Swing Set

    Did you know that Helen Keller had a swing set?

    You didn’t know? Neither did she.

  • Sleeping Bag

    You ever get laid in a sleeping bag? It’s awful.

    You can’t ever move, you’re drenched in sweat, and your scout master is covering your mouth.

  • The Ultimate Rejection

    What’s the ultimate rejection?

    When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

  • Epstein’s Christmas Dinner

    What does Jeffrey Epstein serve for a Christmas dinner?

    Holy infant, so tender and mild.

  • Won’t be able to hide under the bed

    If I ever get another cat, it’s going to be a big one, like a tiger or a panther. That way, if he ever gets upset and viciously scratches me across my face, the bastard won’t be able to hide under the bed.

  • Okay, who farted?

    Three guys from San Francisco are in a hot tub when suddenly a large blob of semen rises to the top.
    One of the guys stands up, angry, and asks, “Okay, WHO farted?”

  • Show it your cross

    Two nuns are riding their bicycles through the village when suddenly a vampire jumps out from behind a bush.

    The first nun screams to her friend, “Quick, show it your cross!”

    “Get the fuck out of the way!” she yells.