Format: dialogue

Dialogue comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • My Cousin Walter’s Pet Problem

    A few months ago, my cousin Walter showed up at the emergency room with a cat lodged in his ass.

    The family decided to write it off as a freak accident and agreed never to mention it again.

    But a few days later, he was back in the hospital! Different cat. Same ass.

    So yesterday, when I saw Walter at the pet store in the mall trying to buy another cat, I stopped him and said:

    “Walter, every cat you buy ends up stuck in your ass. At this point, you have to admit the cats aren’t the problem.”

    Walter sighed and replied:

    “Okay, genius. How the hell do you suggest I get the gerbil out?”

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  • Superman’s Superspeed Rooftop Encounter

    Superman is flying over Metropolis on a hot summer day, coming home from a mission.

    Suddenly in the distance he sees Wonder Woman sunbathing on a rooftop, completely nude. Superman thinks: “Man, she is so hot. I can fly down, fuck her with superspeed, and be back home with Lois in a few seconds without anyone noticing.”

    So he speeds down there, does as planned and Wonder Woman only feels a rapid gush of wind and the building shaking.

    “What on earth was that”, she stumbles.

    The Invisible Man replies: “Fuck, I have no idea, but my ass suddenly hurts like hell!”

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  • Neighbor Can’t Sleep at 2am

    My neighbor knocked on my door at 2am this morning and said, “I can’t sleep.”

    “Well it’s your lucky day,” I said. “We’ve got a party going on in here, come in.”

  • Elderly Couple Pulled Over by a Cop From Arkansas

    An elderly couple driving get pulled over by a cop. The woman is behind the wheel, and is a bit hard of hearing.

    The cop: “Ma’am, you were speeding.”

    She turns to her husband: “What? What did he say?”

    He shouts into her ear: “You were speeding!”

    The cop: “Your license, please.”

    Once again, she turns to her husband: “What did he say?”

    He shouts even louder into her ear: “Give him your license!”

    She hands it over.

    The cop looks at it and says: “Oh, you’re from Arkansas. I remember being there once… and having the absolute worst sex of my life.”

    The woman: “What? What did he say?”

    The husband shouts into her ear: “He said he knows you!”

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  • Two Medical Students Diagnose an Old Man Walking Stiff-Legged

    Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.

    He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

    One student said to his friend: “I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.”

    The other student says: “No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class.”

    Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, “We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?”

    The old man said, “I’ll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think.”

    The first student said, “I think it’s Peltry Syndrome.”

    The old man said, “You thought — but you are wrong.”

    The other student said, “I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.”

    The old man said, “You thought — but you are wrong.”

    So they asked him, “Well, old timer, what do you have?”

    The old man said, “I thought it was gas — but I was wrong, too!”

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  • The Rolls Royce Key Fob Trick

    Two guys are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, “Every time I see you in here you walk out with a different girl. What’s your secret?”

    The first guy replies, “It’s really easy. As soon as I walk into the bar, I casually toss my Rolls Royce keys onto the bar and the gals practically throw themselves at me.”

    The second says, “Wow, you’ve got a Rolls Royce?”

    The first guy replies, “No, I’m just as poor as you. I bought this Rolls Royce key fob on Amazon for $30 and the ladies are none the wiser.”

    So, the other guy goes on Amazon and buys the exact same key fob. He then goes to various bars with no luck whatsoever.

    A few weeks later, he runs into the guy again. He tells him, “Your key fob trick is bogus, I went to at least 20 bars, no lady looked at me twice, please take this bad luck charm off my hands.”

    The first guy says, “Maybe it would work better if you took off your bicycle helmet first!”

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  • Overnight Flight Lavatory

    A man and a woman are on board of the plane of an overnight flight.

    “Looks like everyone’s asleep, let’s go…”

    Sound of footsteps.

    “There’s a free one right there. No one’s looking, you go in first.”

    “It’s a bit tight… let me sit down. Did you bring a condom? Put it on, quick!”

    Loud heavy breathing.

    “Oh, my god… it’s amazing.”

    A long, drawn-out sigh.

    A hissing sound over the intercom, followed by a voice: “This is the captain speaking. I am addressing the two passengers who have locked themselves in the rear lavatory. We know what you’re doing in there, and it is strictly prohibited by airline regulations. Ditch the cigarettes and take the condom off the smoke detector!”

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  • Priests at a Police Checkpoint

    Two priests are driving down the highway and they come across a police checkpoint. They roll the window down as the officer walks up to the car.

    The officer leans into the car window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”

    The priests look at each other for a moment then turn back to the officer and say, “We’ll do it.”

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  • Parents Find S&M Gear in Son’s Room

    A mother and father are digging through their son’s room looking for drugs. The father finds a box full of leather, chains, and S&M magazines.

    Mother: Oh my god! What do we do?

    Father: Whatever you do, don’t fucking spank him.

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  • Push and Pull

    On his deathbed, my grandfather said, “Remember these two words. They’ll open a lot of doors for you in life.”

    “Push and Pull.”