Dialogue comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
Two crazy guys are planning to escape the asylum. One night, they climb onto the roof. Across from them is another building.
The first guy says, “I have my flashlight. I’ll turn it on, and you can walk across the beam of light to the other roof!”
The second guy shakes his head and says, “What do you think I am, crazy? I know what you’ll do… I’ll get halfway across, and you’ll turn the light off!”
My wife asked me to go see a psychologist about my anger issues.
The doctor asked, “If a train was coming down the hallway toward you, what would you do?”
I replied, “I’d get in my helicopter and fly away!”
The doctor asked, “Where did you get a helicopter?”
I replied, “The same freaking place you got that train from, dipshit!”
A contractor wanted to give a politician a sports car. The politician objected saying, “My basic sense of ethics would never permit me to accept a gift like that.”
The contractor said, “I quite understand. Suppose we do this: I’ll sell you the car for ten dollars.”
The politician thought for a minute and said, “In that case I’ll take two.”
And that’s how things are in Congress today!
A little boy is in the shower with his mom.
“Mom, what’s that hairy thing in between your legs?”
She says, “That? Oh, that’s my sponge.”
Boy goes, “Ohhh okay, makes sense.”
He pauses and smiles, “Yeah, the babysitter has one too.”
Mom freezes. “Oh really?”
Boy: “Yep. I’ve seen her using it to wash Dad’s face.”
Wife: Hey babe! I have to be honest with you about something.
Husband: Okay?
Wife: So the other night when you went out and you weren’t answering any of my texts or calls, I kind of went a little crazy.
Husband: (alarmed) What have you done?
Wife: I looked through your car and I couldn’t find any hair.
Husband: Of course, you’re not gonna find any hair.
Wife: So, you’re messing with bald bitches now? Is that what we’re into now? You go from one extreme to the next… like bald bitches.
Husband: Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!
A woman asks her husband at breakfast, “Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?”
He declines. “Thanks for asking, but I’m not hungry right now. It’s this Viagra,” he says. “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”
At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. “How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?”
He declines. “The Viagra,” he says. “It’s really spoiled my need for food.”
At dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. “Would you like a juicy rib-eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir-fry?” He declines again. “No,” he says, “it’s got to be the Viagra. I’m still not hungry.”
“Well,” she says, “would you mind getting off me? I’m starving.”
