Format: dialogue

Dialogue comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The New Rules

    A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady.

    After the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

    “I’ll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want — and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?”

    His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night… whether you’re here or not.”

  • Frank Feldman

    A man steps out onto the street and catches a taxi just as it’s going by. He gets in, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”

    “Who?” the passenger asks.

    “Frank Feldman,” the cabbie says. “He was a guy who did everything right, all the time. Like me coming along just when you needed a cab. Things like that always happened to Frank Feldman.”

    “Well, nobody’s perfect,” the passenger says.

    “Not Frank Feldman,” the cabbie replies. “He was a terrific athlete. He could’ve won a Grand Slam in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. And you should’ve heard him play piano. He was amazing.”

    “Sounds like he was something special,” the passenger says.

    “There’s more,” the cabbie continues. “He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everyone’s birthday. He knew all about wine — what to order, which fork to use. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street goes dark. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.”

    “Wow,” says the passenger, “what a guy.”

    “And he always knew the fastest route through traffic,” the cabbie adds. “Not like me. I’m always getting stuck. But Frank never made a mistake. And he knew how to treat a woman. He’d never talk back, even if she was wrong. His clothes were always spotless, his shoes polished. The perfect man. Nobody could measure up to Frank Feldman.”

    The passenger pauses, then asks, “So how did you meet him?”

    The cabbie says, “I never did. He died… and I married his wife.”

  • Get Treatment for 20 Dollars

    A Chinese doctor moved to the U.S., but couldn’t land a job at a hospital. So, he decided to open his own little clinic and hung a sign outside that read:

    “Get treatment for $20 — If not cured, get $100 back!”

    One day, an American lawyer saw the sign and thought, “Easy money!” So he walked in.

    Lawyer: “Doc, I’ve lost my sense of taste.”

    Doctor: “Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22. Put three drops in the patient’s mouth.”

    Lawyer: “Ugh! That’s kerosene!”

    Doctor: “Congrats, your taste is back! That’ll be $20.”

    Annoyed but not giving up, the lawyer returned a few days later.

    Lawyer: “I’ve lost my memory. I can’t remember a thing.”

    Doctor: “Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put three drops in his mouth.”

    Lawyer: “Hey — that’s kerosene! You gave me this last time!”

    Doctor: “Congrats, your memory’s back! That’ll be $20.”

    Now fuming, the lawyer came back one last time, determined to win the $100.

    Lawyer: “Doc, my eyesight is so bad — I can’t see a thing!”

    Doctor: “I’m sorry, I don’t have any medicine for that. Here’s your $100.”

    The doctor handed him a $20 bill.

    Lawyer (squinting): “Hey, wait! This is only $20, not $100!”

    Doctor: “Congrats, your eyesight’s restored! That’ll be $20.”

  • Tooth Hurty AM

    Dentist: “You need to—”

    Me: “I need to floss more.”

    Dentist: “No, you need to get out of my house. It’s 2:30 a.m.”

    Me…

    Dentist…

    Me: [muffled behind ski mask] “Tooth hurty a.m.”

  • Exactly Where Is Larrys Bar

    A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?”

    “Relax,” says the doctor, “take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?”

  • But I Like How Youre Thinking

    Teacher is teaching her class and notices that Johnny isn’t paying attention.

    So she calls on him: “Johnny, if there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?”

    Johnny says, “None.”

    The teacher asks, “Why?”

    Johnny replies, “Because the shot scared them all off.”

    The teacher says, “No, there would be two left, but I like how you’re thinking.”

    Then Johnny turns the tables and asks the teacher: “If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream—which one is married?”

    The teacher, trying to be proper, says, “The one sucking her ice cream.”

    Johnny grins and says, “No, the one with the wedding ring… but I like how you’re thinking!”

  • The Doctor Had Both His Hands on My Shoulders

    A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor.

    The doctor examined him and explained: “I’m going to give you some suppositories. I’ll insert one now, and then I’ll give you another one for later this evening.”

    Later that evening, the man asks his wife to insert the suppository. She agrees reluctantly, puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository. Suddenly, her husband shrieks,

    “Aahhhhh!”

    “What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?” she asks.

    “No… I just realised that the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders!”