Narrative comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
After coming home late, my wife was furious and asked where I was. I told her I was playing poker with my friends.
She refused to talk to me, so I took her out on a long scenic drive.
Her mood eventually improved, and looking out the window, she sighed, “What a beautiful view. I wish we could spend the rest of our lives right here.”
I said, “Well, your wish just came true… because you won’t believe what happened at poker.”
John went to visit his 90-year-old grandpa, who lived alone way out in the country.
The first morning, Grandpa prepared a big breakfast of bacon and eggs. As John sat down to eat, he noticed a strange film on his plate.
“Grandpa,” he asked cautiously, “are these plates clean?”
Grandpa looked at him and replied, “They’s as clean as cold water can get ’em.”
John decided not to argue and ate his breakfast.
At lunchtime, Grandpa made hamburgers. As John sat down, he noticed what appeared to be a few dried bits of egg stuck to his plate.
“Grandpa,” he said, “are you sure these plates are clean?”
Without looking up, Grandpa replied, “Like I said at breakfast, them dishes are as clean as cold water can get ’em.”
John reluctantly ate his hamburger.
That evening, Grandpa served dinner. John examined his plate very carefully and noticed what looked suspiciously like a smear of mustard left over from his lunch.
“Grandpa,” John said, trying to remain polite, “are you sure the dishes are clean?”
Grandpa looked up, a little annoyed.
“Consarn it! Like I told you, they’s as clean as cold water can get ’em!”
John figured there was no point arguing with Grandpa and finished his meal.
The next morning, John got up early to head home. He thanked Grandpa for the visit, grabbed his bags, and headed for the front door. But as he reached the doorway, Grandpa’s dog suddenly started growling and blocking his way. John stepped back and called out, “Grandpa! Your dog won’t let me get by!”
Grandpa looked over at the dog and said, “Cold Water, go lie down!”
A man spent years worshipping the Devil.
The Devil finally showed up and offered him three wishes.
“First wish,” the man said. “I want a thousand more wishes.”
“Doesn’t work like that.”
“Fine. Turn your trident into a toothpick.”
The Devil sighed and did it.
“Second wish. Stick that toothpick up your ass.”
He stared at the man for a long moment, then did that too.
“Now give me a thousand wishes,” the man said, “or my third wish is that the toothpick turns back into a trident.”
A circus claims to have a truly unique attraction: a trained crocodile.
The crocodile shows some truly astonishing skills like jumping through a burning hoop, riding a bicycle, and even smoking a pipe.
At the end of the show, the crocodile’s trainer instructs the orchestra to play a dramatic flourish as he unzips his pants and places his member into the crocodile’s open mouth. The crocodile then gently closes its mouth until the trainer gives it a good, solid whack between the eyes, upon which the crocodile lets go of his member without as much as a scratch. The audience erupts in applause until the trainer gestures for them to be quiet.
“Any gentleman within the audience who is willing to repeat this, I will give them $1,000 in cash!” he proclaims. Nobody answers, so he ups the ante to $2,000, then $3,000 and even $4,000 until, when he calls out: “Alright, then, $5,000!” a man in the audience stands up.
“I’ll do it! But on one condition!”
“And what would that be?” asks the trainer.
“Don’t hit me between the eyes like that.”
A mortician is working on the last body of the day before he’s going to call it quits. He is amazed by the size of this man’s penis.
He says to himself, “Well, Mr. Shecky Goldstein, you clearly have the largest penis I have ever seen. I’m going to have to take a photo of this to show to my wife.”
He takes the photo, finishes up for the day, and goes home. When he sees his wife, he immediately takes out his phone and shows her the photo of the penis.
She looks aghast, then cries out, “Oh my God, Shecky Goldstein is dead!”
A horse, a pig, and a chicken were friends.
One day they were playing on the farm when the horse suddenly fell into a deep ditch. The pig and the chicken panicked and started crying for help. The horse called out to them from the ditch and said, “Run to the shed where the farmer keeps his tractor. Get a rope, tie one end to the tractor and throw the other end to me. Then have the farmhand drive the tractor and pull me up.”
The chicken and the pig did exactly that but weren’t sure if the tractor would work. But it was a powerful Mercedes tractor and in no time the horse was rescued from the ditch.
A few days later the three of them were playing on the farm again when the chicken fell into the same ditch. The pig panicked and told the horse, “Come on, let’s get the tractor and the rope, quick!”
The horse calmly said, “Wait, leave this to me.” He went over to the ditch, slowly lowered his dick and asked the chicken to grab on to it. As the terrified chicken grabbed his dick the horse carefully pulled her up.
“Wow, that was amazing,” said the pig. “How did you even think of that?”
“Well,” the horse replied, “when you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.”
A man goes to the doctor and complains that he has a bright orange penis. The doctor takes a look, and sure enough, the man’s penis is bright orange.
The doctor asks the man about his daily habits to see if he could get a clue about the cause of the malady.
The man says, “My day is pretty normal. I get up in the morning and go to work. My work is at a desk in an office, so I don’t come into contact with any strange chemicals. I come home after work, make myself dinner, watch a little TV, then get ready for bed.”
The doctor asks, “Do you do anything before bed?”
The man says, “Nothing unusual, I just surf the web and eat Cheetos.”
Little Johnnie had a mutt named Rover. The next-door neighbor, little Susie, had a purebred poodle named Fifi. Fifi came in heat and Rover was able to get to her. Little Susie found them and couldn’t get them apart, so she called Johnnie crying about his mangy mutt ruining her prized poodle.
Little Johnnie came over, walked around the dogs, stuck his finger in his mouth, then stuck his finger up Rover’s backside. The dogs instantly separated and Rover ran away howling.
Susie said, “How did you know that would work?”
Johnnie replied, “Well, old Rover likes to dish it out, but he can’t take it.”
A man suffered from headaches and didn’t realize it was due to a rare condition.
He went to multiple doctors, all of whom couldn’t give him an explanation or a solution to the headache. After years of the same symptoms, the man finally found a doctor who could fix the situation.
The doctor told him, “The good news is I can fix your headaches so you’ll never have them again. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, creating one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”
The man was depressed because two of the three things that made him a man will be removed. Realizing he had no other choice, he agreed to the castration.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 10 years. He saw a tailor shop and thought, “A new suit is fit for a new man, and for my new beginning.”
After entering the shop, he asked the tailor for a new suit. The tailor said, “Hmm… Looking at you, you are size 44 long.” The man, surprised, asked, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business for over 50 years!” The man tried on the suit given and it fit perfectly.
The man, realizing he needed a shirt for the suit, asked for one. The tailor looked at him and said, “Hmm… you are a 35 sleeve and 16 neck.” Again, the man was surprised. “That’s right, how did you know?” The tailor responded again, “Been in the business for over 50 years!” The man tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
The tailor said, “How about some underwear?” The man was startled but realized the logic. Since he already got everything else, he said yes. The tailor looked at him and said, “Hmm… you are a size 36.”
The man laughed, catching the tailor. “Ah ha! You’re wrong! I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.” The tailor shook his head. “No, buddy, you can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”
