Format: narrative

Narrative comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • She Can Only Fasten 8

    The teacher asked her students to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

    Mary said, “My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating.”

    The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted the word ‘fascinate’.”

    Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated.”

    The teacher said, “Good, but I wanted the word ‘fascinate’.”

    Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate” so she called on him.

    Johnny said, “My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8.”

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  • You Could At Least Give It a Try

    “Dad,” said Little Johnny, “I’m late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?”

    Little Johnny’s father said irately, “Son, it just wouldn’t be right.”

    “That’s okay,” replied Little Johnny, “You could at least give it a try, couldn’t you?”

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  • Which One Sir the 8:30 or the 10:30

    One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, “Good morning son.”

    “Good morning pastor” replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque.

    “Sir, what is this?” Johnny asked.

    “Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service”, replied the pastor.

    Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque. Little Johnny’s voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, “Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?”

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  • Didnt Expect ME Did Ya

    Little Johnnie was late for class, and when he saw that the door was already closed, he opened it and went into the classroom tentatively. He very quietly shut the door and tiptoed to his seat hoping not to get the teacher after him.

    This upset the teacher, who said to him, “Johnnie, is this how your father would have come in — late and sneaking to his seat? Go out and try it again, and get it right this time!”

    So, Little Johnnie left the room and shut the door behind him quietly, as he’d come in. Then a moment later, he flung open the door with a clatter and stomped back into the room with a lit cigarette dangling from his lips. He slammed the door behind him, put his cigarette out on the carpet with his foot and said, “So Honey, didn’t expect ME, did ya?”

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  • Put Johnnie in the Fifth Grade

    A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Johnnie what is your problem?” Johnnie answered, “I’m too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!”

    The teacher had had enough. She took Johnnie to the principal’s office. While Johnnie waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed.

    Johnnie was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

    Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
    Johnnie: “9.”

    Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
    Johnnie: “36.”

    And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looked at the teacher and told her, “I think Johnnie can go to the third grade, just as he thought.”

    The teacher says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions, and I’m sure you will see the reasons I am hesitant about Johnnie’s advancement!” The principal and Johnnie both agreed.

    The teacher asked, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?” Johnnie, after a moment, replied, “Legs.”

    Teacher: “Ok, you got that right, but I know I’ll get you. What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

    The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnnie replied, “Pockets.”

    Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
    Johnnie: “Pants”

    Teacher: “What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of excitement?”
    Johnnie: “Firetruck”

    Little Johnnie had been studying, and he’d not fall for any of her tricks… nothing would hold him back if he could help it!

    The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Johnnie in the FIFTH grade. I missed the last four questions myself!”

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  • Are You Going to Tell Her Daddy

    Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper.

    His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, “That’s it! No honey for you for one month!”

    Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, “No butter for you for one month!”

    Early that evening, Johnny’s mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead.

    Johnny’s mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her. To which Johnny said, “Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?”

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  • I Am Sorry Youre So Ugly

    Little Johnny said to his aunt Tess: “My God, you’re ugly, aren’t you!”

    His mother overheard this and pulled Johnny into the kitchen. “You naughty boy!”, she screamed, “How can you say to your aunt that she’s ugly! You go right in and apologise to her! Tell her you’re sorry!”

    Little Johnny entered the living room, walked over to his aunt and said: “Aunt Tess, I am sorry you’re so ugly”

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  • Who Fucks the Stork

    Two-year-old little Johnnie was being bounced up and down on his grandad’s knee when he suddenly asked, “Gwandad, where do babies come fwom?”

    Grandad was a bit shocked and thought a bit: he then said, “Why my boy, they come from the stork.”

    After about two minutes little Johnnie said, “Gwandad… who fucks the stork?”

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  • What Sound Does a Pig Make

    A primary school teacher in the Bronx decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sound. “Who knows what sound a cow makes?” she asked.

    Mary put her hand up and said “Moooo!”

    “Very good” replied the teacher, “what sound do sheep make?”

    “Maaaa” answered Johnny.

    She continued this for a while. Then she asked “What sound does a pig make?”

    All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose the shy little boy at the back of the class. He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed “Up against the wall mutha-fucka!!”

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  • Insured Cigars and 24 Counts of Arson

    A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against… get this… fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.

    In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in “a series of small fires.” The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued… and won.

    In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be “unacceptable fire,” it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.

    Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge’s ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in “the fires.” After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested… on 24 counts of arson.

    With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.

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