Format: narrative

Narrative comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Papal Pizza Plans: A Slice of Home

    With the first anniversary of the new pope approaching, Vatican staff were preparing a banquet and reviewing the menu with Leo.

    After a few minutes, Leo started looking distracted. When asked what was wrong, he said, “The food here at the Vatican is amazing, but I really miss good old Chicago-style deep-dish pizza. I would like you to serve that at my anniversary banquet.”

    Not having had any experience with it, they nevertheless agreed. Since there is no pizza oven in the Vatican, their kitchen staff went to a local pizzeria to use theirs. After a couple days of experimenting, they served Leo their first attempt at deep-dish pizza for lunch.

    “Yuck,” he said. “I don’t know what this is, but it’s certainly not deep-dish pizza!”

    For the next month, a couple of times a week, the Vatican chefs prepared another attempt, and each one was met with a similar reaction. With the banquet only two days away, Leo finally said, “I’ve had enough! You obviously aren’t able to figure this out on your own, so take me down to the pizzeria and I’ll show you how to make a deep-dish pizza.”

    So the pope went to the pizzeria and into the kitchen, and soon flour and sauce were flying everywhere. A local reporter stopped by to get lunch, gaped in surprise, and immediately got on the phone with her editor.

    “Are you aware of some VIP visiting Rome today?” she asked.

    He replied, “No—I haven’t heard anything. What’s up?”

    She said, “I don’t know for sure, but it must be someone really important: the pope is baking a pizza for him!”

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  • Stringing Together a Hilarious Defense!

    A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.

    The judge looks down at her and asks, “First offender?”

    The woman replies, “nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender.”

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  • Dirty Pictures Reveal True Desires!

    A guy goes to the psychiatrist and the doctor orders a Rorschach test.

    He shows his patient the first inkblot and asks what he sees. The reply: “Sex.”

    Second inkblot, same question. The reply: “Sex.” Third time around, same thing.

    The doctor says, “All you have on your mind is sex.”

    The patient replies, “Well, of course I do, because you keep showing me those dirty pictures.”

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  • Beaver’s Dam Debate: A River of Words!

    Beaver and Woodchuck were chatting down at the local bar on a Friday evening.

    Woodchuck was trying to be patient and get a word in, but Beaver kept going on and on about the pond where his family lived—how wide and deep it was, how much protection it provided, and so on.

    After about an hour, Woodchuck had had enough and yelled out in frustration, “Could you please stop talking about your dammed river?!”

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  • Hammering Home the Ethics

    After attending ethics training, Bob went up to his boss.

    “Boss,” he said, “that ethics training has me feeling bad about us doing product testing on animals.”

    The boss replied, “But Bob, this is an accepted practice, and many shampoo and cosmetics manufacturers test their products on animals.”

    Bob responded, “Yeah, but we make hammers!”

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  • Gift Strategies: Diamonds vs. Dildos!

    A rich man and a poor man are discussing their wive’s birthday gifts.

    The rich man says, “I think this year I’m going to get my wife a diamond ring and a brand-new Mercedes.”

    The poor man asks, “Why two gifts?”

    “That way,” the rich man says, “if she doesn’t like the ring, she can return it in her new car and still be happy. How about you, what will you get your wife?”

    The poor man looks at him and says, “You know what, I’m going to get my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo. That way, if she doesn’t like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.”

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  • Anatomy Class: A Taste for the Unusual

    Some first-year medical students were attending their first anatomy class.

    They gathered around a table where a real dead body had been placed for study. The professor began by telling them that every good doctor must have two important qualities.

    “The first,” he said, “is that a doctor must never be disgusted by anything in the human body.”

    To demonstrate, he inserted his finger into the dead body’s anus, then put the finger in his mouth and tasted it. He then asked the students to repeat what he had done.

    The students were shocked and hesitated for several minutes, but eventually, one by one, they did the same thing. Each of them inserted a finger into the body’s anus and then tasted it.

    When everyone had finished, they stood there frowning and looking uncomfortable.

    The professor looked at them and smiled. “The second most important quality of a doctor,” he said, “is observation.”

    “I inserted my middle finger,” he continued, “but I tasted my index finger.”

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  • Dino Bones: Age is Just a Number

    Some tourists at the Chicago Museum of Natural History were marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, “Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?”

    The guard replies, “They are 73 million, four years, and six months old.”

    “That’s an awfully exact number,” says the tourist. “How do you know their age so precisely?”

    The guard answers, “Well, the dinosaur bones were seventy three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.”

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  • Sell Drugs or Sell Logic: The Choice!

    Two drug dealers are given a chance by a judge to avoid prison…

    ​The judge tells them, “You guys don’t look like hardened criminals. I’ll give you a deal: I’m releasing you for 24 hours. Your job is to go out and convince as many people as possible to quit using drugs. If you’re successful, I’ll drop the charges. Come back tomorrow and report your numbers.”

    The next day, the first guy says, “Your Honor, I got 14 people to quit! I drew two circles: a big one and a tiny one. I told them the big one was their brain before drugs, and the tiny one was their brain after drugs.”

    The judge is impressed. He turns to the second guy. “And you?”

    “I got 165 people to quit, sir!”

    The judge is stunned. “165?! Did you use the same ‘brain’ circles?”

    “Sort of,” the guy says. “I pointed to the tiny circle and said, ‘Listen up, boys… this is what your asshole looks like before you go to prison.’”

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  • Vices and Life: A Deadly Decision

    Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain-smoker, and one was a homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, “If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die.”

    The men left the doctor’s office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.

    The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself! . His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.

    No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

    His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor’s words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

    The homosexual looked at the chain-smoker and said,

    “You know if you bend over to pick that up, we’re both dead!”

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