Format: setup-punchline

When our receptionist greeted me with “How are you today?” I answered “Horny. For you.” I’ve always heard that honesty is the best policy, but apparently our company has some other policy that beats it.

They say you can’t tame a wild rose. And even if you could, probably the only trick you could teach it would be “stay.”

A money belt is a great way to keep your valuables safe from muggers. If you own any antique furniture, you might want to get an extra-large money belt with built-in back support.

I can’t catch a break. Last year I won a million dollars in the lottery and got so excited I went through two million dollars worth of Depends.

I prefer not to recount the details of my youthful indiscretions. I don’t want to set a bad example for the young people of today, but mainly I’m not exactly sure when the statute of limitations expires.

Darcy’s First Theorem of Parking Effort: The longer you are willing to drive around a crowded parking lot trying to find an even closer space, the bigger your butt is.

In my opinion, if you’re Public Enemy Number 2,000,000,000 or greater, they should probably just remove you from the list altogether.

After I won the lottery, my family and friends told me they’re worried I might not be mature enough to handle all that money wisely and end up just blowing it on something stupid. That’s total nonsense. Besides, what do I care what they think? I’m lighting my farts with hundred-dollar bills!

You know you need to get out of the house when you start to refer to yourself as a “diaper-half-full” kind of guy.

Johnny Depp advised me to always namedrop, even if I have to lie about knowing the person.