Format: short

Short comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Thanksgiving Turkey Guts

    A husband and wife married for many years — every morning the husband wakes up and lets out a thunderous fart, then cackles. One day she glares at him and says, “You know, one of these days you’re going to shit your guts out.” He shrugs it off and they go about life.

    Come around to Thanksgiving, the wife is downstairs prepping a turkey for dinner, husband is sleeping upstairs in bed. As she pulls the turkey’s guts out, she gets a clever idea, and sneaks upstairs holding a small handful of the turkey’s guts. She tucks them into her husband’s underwear.

    She goes back downstairs and continues to cook. A short while later, the husband wakes up. She hears his usual morning fart, his cackle, then dead silence.

    A few minutes later the husband comes down the stairs. He is pale, shaking a little, and looks like a deer in the headlights.

    “Is everything okay, dear?” she asks without missing a beat.

    “Well, yea,” the husband says. “But you were right, I did shit my guts out. But with these two fingers and a little determination, I got them back up in there.”

  • Superman’s Drinking Problem

    A man walks into a bar on the top floor of a skyscraper and orders a cold beer.

    As he’s sipping it, he suddenly watches the guy next to him stroll over to the window… and jump right out!

    “Good grief! Did you see that?! That man just jumped out the window!”

    The bartender doesn’t even blink.

    Shaken, the man takes another sip.

    A minute later, the same guy walks back in, sits down, orders another drink, finishes it, and jumps out the window again.

    The man shouts, “Are you kidding me?! He did it again!”

    Still, the bartender says nothing.

    The guy comes back into the bar and orders another drink.

    Finally, the man asks, “How on earth are you surviving those jumps?”

    The guy grins and says, “Oh, it’s this special drink. If you finish it fast enough, you can float.”

    Excited, the man orders the same “floatie” drink, chugs it, runs to the window, jumps out… and SPLAT — straight onto the sidewalk.

    The bartender sighs and says, “Superman… you’re a real jerk when you’ve been drinking.”

  • Turn Over

    So a girl is going to marry a Greek fellow. The night before the wedding, the girl’s dad takes her aside and says, “Honey, I don’t know how to say this, so I’ll just say it. If he ever asks you to turn over, you don’t have to.”

    So they get married. Sure enough, about six months later, the Greek guy asks the girl to turn over.

    “You know,” she says, “my dad told me I don’t have to turn over if I don’t want to.”

    “Whatsa matter?” says the Greek guy. “Don’t you wanna have kids?”

  • The Bloody Canoe

    An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are exploring the deepest part of the Amazon jungle. One day, a savage tribe of cannibals captures the trio and they’re brought before the chieftain.

    “Trespassing is punishable by death for white devils,” the chieftain says in passable English. “But your skin will make some fine canoes for us. However, you can all have one request fulfilled to the best of our ability to do so!”

    The Englishman nods, accepting his fate. “I don’t suppose you have a telephone out here so I can call home?”

    “Yes, we have taken many of these things from interlopers,” says the chieftain.

    Surprised, he dials his wife. “Hello my dear, I’m afraid I won’t be coming home. Terribly sorry. My love to the kids.”

    He closes his eyes, is killed, and they begin taking his skin and meat for meals.

    The Scotsman gulps. “I really could do with a drink — whiskey if you have any, so I won’t feel it.”

    The chieftain snaps his fingers and a tribesman brings out a crate of whiskey. The Scotsman immediately begins getting drunk, downing bottle after bottle until he falls asleep, and he too is killed. They make preparations to turn him into meals and a canoe with his skin.

    The Irishman says, “Umm… do you have a fork?”

    Puzzled, the chief commands a tribesman to give him a fork, and before anybody could react, the Irishman begins stabbing himself all over his body.

    “You’re not turning me into a bloody canoe, ye bastards!”

  • Can I Drive the Family Car?

    Son just turned 16.

    Son: Dad, I just got my license, can I drive the family car?!

    Dad: Can your dick touch your ass?

    The son goes in private, tries, and comes back to say no, Dad, in disappointment.

    Dad: Then you can’t drive the family car.

    Son turns 17.

    Son: Dad, can I drive the family car now?!

    Dad: Can your dick touch your ass?

    The son goes in private, tries, and comes back to say no, Dad, in disappointment yet again.

    Dad: Then you can’t drive the family car. Maybe next year.

    Son turns 18.

    Son: Dad, I’m an adult now, can I finally drive the family car?!

    Dad: Can your dick touch your ass?

    The son goes in private, tries, and comes back excited to say, “Yes, I can!”

    Dad: Then go fuck yourself, ’cuz you ain’t driving the family car.

  • Death by Unga Bunga

    Three explorers crash-land their plane on an uncharted tropical island. The isolationist islanders promptly capture the three survivors and put them on trial for trespassing. Surprisingly, the grand chief of the island speaks broken English.

    “You break harmony on our land,” he says. “There are two punishments for this offense: death, or unga bunga. Choose.” The chief points at the first explorer.

    The first guy chooses unga bunga, because what could be worse than death? Then three islanders step out and drop their loincloths to reveal porn-sized penises. The three islanders then fuck the explorer six ways from Sunday. Once the islanders are spent, the explorer is released.

    The chief then points to the second explorer. “Choose,” he says.

    The second explorer weighs his options. After an excruciating exchange in his own head, he meekly replies, “Unga bunga.”

    Three more islanders drop their loincloths, their penises even bigger than the ones before. They have their way with the second explorer and then release him.

    The chief points at the third explorer. “Choose,” he says.

    “Death,” the explorer replies.

    The chief scratches his chin and reflects. “No one ever choose death before… Death by unga bunga!”

  • Three Tough Rats

    Three rats were sitting around talking. The subject turned to how tough they were.

    The first rat said, “Want to know how tough I am? You know the traps they set out for us? I undo the latch and work out with them.”

    The second rat said, “Want to know how tough I am? You know the poison pellets they set out for us? I chop ’em up with a razor blade and snort it.”

    The third rat starts to leave, and the other two ask him where he’s going.

    The third rat replied, “I’m going upstairs to fuck the cat.”

  • Tight, Isn’t It?

    A man picks up a prostitute and is headed for the motel. She just cannot stop talking about how awesome her pussy is. They get to the motel room and undress.

    To demonstrate, she says to him, “Put a finger in.” He puts a finger in.

    “Put two fingers in.” He puts two fingers in.

    “Put four fingers in.” He does.

    “Put your hand in.” He does.

    “Put your other hand in.” He does.

    “Now, clap!”

    He tries and tries, but cannot clap.

    She says, “Tight, isn’t it?”

  • The Doctor’s Clinic

    A doctor couldn’t get hired at the hospital, so he opened his own clinic.

    Outside, he hung a sign:

    TREATMENT: $20
    IF WE CAN’T CURE YOU — YOU GET $100 BACK

    A lawyer saw the sign and thought, “I’ll make some easy money.”

    He walked in.

    Lawyer: “I’ve lost my sense of taste.”

    Doctor: “Nurse, bottle No. 14 — three drops on his tongue.”

    The lawyer sputters, “Ugh! That’s kerosene!”

    Doctor: “Great — your taste is back. That’ll be $20.”

    Irritated, the lawyer returned a few days later.

    Lawyer: “I’ve lost my memory. I can’t remember anything.”

    Doctor: “Bottle No. 14 again — three drops.”

    Lawyer: “Hey! That’s kerosene! You gave me that last time!”

    Doctor: “Perfect — your memory is back. That’ll be $20.”

    Fuming, the lawyer came back one more time.

    Lawyer: “My eyesight is terrible. I can’t see a thing.”

    Doctor: “I’m afraid we can’t help with that. Here — take this $100.”

    The lawyer looks at the bill.

    “Hey… this is only $20!”

    Doctor: “And just like that… your eyesight is restored. That’ll be $20.”

  • The Miracle Cure

    A man sits by his wife’s bed in the oncology ward. She has Stage IV throat cancer, and the prognosis is dark. She’s scheduled for a radical, life-saving surgery the next morning, but the doctors have been blunt: they have to remove a significant portion of her throat and vocal cords. She will never speak, swallow, or use her throat the same way again.

    She looks at her husband, her voice a raspy silver. “I want to do something for you,” she whispers. “One last time, while I still can. I want to give you oral sex.”

    The husband is taken aback. “Honey, no. You’re weak, you’re in pain… we don’t have to do that.” But she insists. She tells him it’s the only way she can feel like a “whole woman” before the surgery changes her forever. She begs him until he finally, reluctantly, agrees. It is a quiet, bittersweet, and incredibly emotional moment in the dim hospital light.

    The next morning, she is wheeled into surgery. The husband sits in the waiting room, bracing for a ten-hour ordeal. But after barely an hour, the lead surgeon walks out into the waiting area.

    The man’s heart sinks into his stomach. He stands up, trembling, his voice breaking. “Is she… is she gone? Did I lose her?”

    “No, no,” the surgeon says, looking like he’s seen a ghost. “We didn’t even pick up the scalpel. We did a final localized scan to map the margins, and the tumors… they’re just gone. There isn’t a single malignant cell left in her throat.”

    The surgeon asks if the husband had any possible explanation, anything at all to do with the woman’s throat. Though it’s embarrassing, the man tells the surgeon about what his wife did for him the night before the surgery. It’s the only thing he can think of.

    A week of tests follows. The hospital’s research team eventually brings the couple into a private office. “Sir, we’ve discovered something miraculous. Your body produces a rare, localized enzyme. When it makes contact with cancerous tissue, it triggers immediate, total cellular necrosis. You are a walking, biological cure.”

    The doctor sighs, looking at his notes. “We’re going to try to synthesize it, but the molecular structure is volatile and it seems to be more complex than we understand, because your sperm isn’t nearly as effective in lab conditions. It’s going to take us months, maybe years, to replicate this effect without the… direct involvement of your penis. But your wife is fully cured, and this could save millions more in the future.”

    The wife is beside herself with joy, clutching the husband’s hand. But the husband is staring at the floor, his face turning a sickly shade of grey.

    “Honey?” she asks, her voice now perfectly clear. “What is it? This is a miracle!”

    The husband looks up, his eyes filled with a thousand-yard stare.

    “My father called this morning… he was just diagnosed with Stage IV rectal cancer.”