Format: written

Written comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Top 13 Signs You’re a Man Trapped in a Woman’s Body (Part II)

    13. Three drinks into the bachelorette party, you’ve got a bridesmaid in a headlock telling her how much you love her.

    12. If you can locate the sink in under two minutes, the bathroom is clean enough.

    11. You’re having trouble grasping the concept of “too much porn.”

    10. Late to your wedding because of wardrobe issues? No. Feeling overly emotional? Hardly. Wouldn’t stop to ask for directions? Bingo.

    9. Even though it’s only for men, you take Levitra because Ditka’s word is gospel.

    8. You use a glue gun to make sure the toilet seat stays up.

    7. You constantly scratch your crotch and “adjust” yourself to get comfortable — in line at Starbucks.

    6. You just can’t seem to watch Baywatch with your mouth closed.

    5. You’re the only woman in the office who heads to the restroom with a full coffee mug and the USA Today sports section.

    4. Your friends find you drunk in the restroom yelling, “Show us yer tits!” at the lavatory mirror.

    3. Those tiny bits of chaw stuck in your lipstick.

    2. You have a fine appreciation for the subtle genius and brilliant comic timing that is Andrew Dice Clay.

    And Topfive.com’s number one sign you’re a man trapped in a woman’s body…

    1. You haven’t been invited for a girls’ night out since your infamous “farting the alphabet” incident.

  • The impotent couldn’t come

    We recently opened a shelter for the poor, needy, and the impotent.

    The poor and needy showed up, but the impotent couldn’t come.

  • A ceiling rafter

    I found a guy kayaking in my attic when I got home from work today…

    It turns out he was a ceiling rafter.

  • Parrot Knows the Trick of the Cruise!

    There was this magician of some repute who was hired to do his act aboard a cruise ship.

    He had been there for several years, and since the crowd was continually changing, he did the same act over and over. He enjoyed the good life in this sense, spending most of his time out on the promenade deck working on his tan, not new tricks.

    One day, the captain bought a parrot and, over the months, brought the parrot with him to see the nightly magic show.

    Being a smart parrot, the bird learned all the tricks—where the cards, flower, etc. were hidden by the magician in his act.

    The bird would say, “The card is up his left sleeve, the flower is under the pot, he hid the money under his shoe…”

    Because the parrot would only take about a week to catch on to his magic tricks, the magician was forced to continually learn new ones, which was getting harder and harder by the day, and really cramping his “sun time.”

    To put it mildly, he hated the darn parrot, but since it was the captain’s, he couldn’t do anything about it.

    Late one night, the engine room exploded and the ship sank within minutes. Miraculously, the magician found himself clinging to a timber, floating in the water surrounded by darkness. Alas, he was the only one left alive!

    As the sun came up the next morning and he turned around, what should be sitting 20 feet away on the opposite end of the log—his arch-nemesis, the parrot!

    They glared at each other and said nothing. This went on for three days, and neither said a word, just glared.

    On the fourth day, the parrot finally broke the silence and said, “Okay! I give up. What did you do with the ship?”

  • Back at work tomorrow

    A morgue worker died today.
    But he’ll be back at work tomorrow.

  • He’s a web designer

    My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
    We had a few drinks. Turns out he’s a web designer.

  • A legend in his own thyme

    My great-uncle Herb was a renowned gardener.
    He was a legend in his own thyme.

  • Font Fun: Type Joke at the Bar

    Times New Roman and Lucinda Calligraphy go into a bar.
    The barman says “Sorry, we don’t serve your type here”.