My girlfriend is going to dress up as a “naughty nurse” for the Halloween party we’re attending. Awesome! When we get back home, tonight’s rectal thermometer session will be that much more authentic.
Format: written
Written comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Although I’d totally misunderstood the term “glory hole,” after
Although I’d totally misunderstood the term “glory hole,” after I dropped to my knees and prayed with all my might, my exact wish showed up in the little hole! Truly, the lord is great!
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“HOLY MACKEREL!” I exclaimed as I finally came. I never imagined
“HOLY MACKEREL!” I exclaimed as I finally came. I never imagined how great the sensation would be when fucking a pierced fish corpse.
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When she said was into leather and chains, I bought her a Harley
When she said was into leather and chains, I bought her a Harley riding jacket. When she said she liked watersports, I naively showed up with my snorkel. So today when she told me she had some shit to do around the house, I decided to stay away altogether, just in case.
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I’m not saying my boyfriend’s penis is small, but that’s only
I’m not saying my boyfriend’s penis is small, but that’s only because he’s probably heard it his entire life and I don’t want him to feel bad.
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I hereby aver that if I ever steal somebody else’s filthy
I hereby aver that if I ever steal somebody else’s filthy Rumination, you can fuck me up the ass. I secondly aver that I don’t want to be fucked up the ass.
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(b0nrmunky) When I got exhausted keeping up with my girlfriend’s
(b0nrmunky) When I got exhausted keeping up with my girlfriend’s desire for sex, she suggested bringing other guys into the bedroom to help, and I agreed. The problem is that she goes through so many of them, I get exhausted just watching.
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I made the mistake of shopping for a new bed with my wife. While
I made the mistake of shopping for a new bed with my wife. While the salesperson was more than happy to indulge her questions about “plushness” and “comfort,” all I received was blank stares when I voiced concerns about the bedframe’s durability when I’m ramming it home.
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The Top 15 Signs Your Pets Are Too Pampered
15. When you come home after a long day at the office, you’re expected to bark enthusiastically and jump all over Fido.
14. You’ve filled the little treasure chest at the bottom of the aquarium with real doubloons.
13. Chippy’s hamster wheel has a speedometer, odometer, and calorie burn calculator, and you provide a personal trainer, Gatorade, and a towel.
12. Buddy really likes fresh bones, and you weren’t really using that left femur anyway.
11. Good luck convincing the judge that you really hired that undercover-cop hooker for your dog to have a sexier leg to hump.
10. You’re spending thousands treating your ferret for pancreatic cancer while grandma rots away in a cheap nursing home.
9. The cost of your Viagra prescription is exceeded by the cost of your rabbit’s Viagra prescription.
8. Maid services have no problem cleaning litterboxes, but when it comes to licking Sir Purrsalot’s junk to spare him the indignity, suddenly they’re all so regal!
7. You have your tarantula waxed when it’s hot out.
6. Since Rover knows how to dance on her hind legs anyway, why waste money taking a girl to the prom?
5. Not only did Fluffy refuse to eat the non-Beluga caviar, her lawyer sued you for serving such vile swill.
4. Your parrot is the largest shareholder in Nabisco.
3. The folks at the animal shelter stopped letting you adopt five cats every week when they learned about your pet coyote.
2. You’ve already bought the tickets, now you just have to figure out how to get the tank into the premiere of “Finding Dory.”
1. You buy a chinchilla coat. For your chinchilla.
