Hi kids. In case you’re wondering what it’s like to be an adult, my mom called and yelled at me for typing “fuck” on the Internet. I’m 38.
Joke Type: adult humor
Adult humor jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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Most people don’t know Santa Claus has a half brother, Ralph
Most people don’t know Santa Claus has a half brother, Ralph Claus, who brings heart-beating-through-yourasshole hangovers on December 26th.
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45 Cents
A daughter calls her mother & says “I’m divorcing Nathan. All he wants is 6ex, 6ex and more 6ex. My v@gina is now the size of a 50-cent piece, when it used to be the size of a 5-cent piece.”
Her mother says: “You’re married to a multi-millionaire businessman! You live in an 8-bedroom mansion! You drive a $250,000 Ferrari! You get $2,000 a week allowance! You take 6 vacations a year! … and, You want to throw all that away over 45 cents?”
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Tom Jones and the Siamese Twins
A pair of drop-dead gorgeous female Siamese twins who were joined at the hip saw the ad for the concert in the local paper. One of them said, “Hey, Tom Jones is in town! How would you like to go and see him?” They agreed to go, hoping they might get to meet him.
Tom Jones did in fact notice them from the stage and asked for them to be sent to his room. After a couple of drinks, he asked them if they would be into any hanky-panky, and one of them definitely was, but the other one not so much. Tom asked the other one what she likes doing, and she said she actually likes to play the trombone, so he picked one up from the horn section so she could keep herself amused while he had his way with the other one.
A couple of years later, there was another ad in the paper that the twins saw, and one of them said, “Hey, would you like to go see Tom Jones again?”
The other twin replied, “Do you think he would remember us?”
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Cindy the Witch
A guy goes to a whorehouse, feeling extremely horny. He’s willing to pay big money. The madame realizes that all her girls are currently occupied, but she doesn’t want to lose out on the cash. So she gets an idea.
She puts a blow-up doll in a darkened room. Then she goes back to the guy and says, “You can have Cindy. She’s very shy and doesn’t speak or react, and she likes to do it with the lights off. But you can do anything you want with her, she won’t complain.”
The guy pays his money and goes up to the room.
Ten minutes later he runs back down, naked, screaming, “Cindy’s a witch! Cindy’s a witch!”
“What’s wrong?” asks the madame.
“Well, you told me I could do what I like with Cindy, so I thought I’d try some rough stuff!”
“What happened?”
“I bit her tit and she flew out the window!”
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The Wizard’s Choice
When I was a kid, a wizard gave me a choice — to have a giant dick, or perfect memory.
I forgot which one I picked.
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Wait for the Bulb to Cool Off
My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago. She looked at me and said, “Turn the light off and stick it in my butt”. I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.
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Fuck Trump Doesn’t Mean That
EVERYBODY WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH ME
DONALD THATS NOT WHAT “FUCK TRUMP” MEANS
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Hotel Room 332 – I Assume the Porn Is Disabled? No It’s Only Regular Porn You Sick Fuck
hotel: room 332, enjoy ur stay
dad: i assume the porn is disabled?
hotel: no it’s only regular porn you sick fuck
